I Don't Want To Be On Survivor But I Love The Locale

i was not previously familiar with the cook islands, but goodness it is gorgeous. now, if there is a five-star hotel/resort located there, it might be a future destination. for sure, i could see me and the adorable one and taking a leisuring stroll on the beach above. and then lolling around in the clear, blue water.

of course, a jeff probst sighting would be cool.

We Like The Show, But Hollywood Is Clueless When It Comes To Kansas

it's weird that hollywood with all their research can get so much wrong. for starters, if jericho was located where they say it is, the mushroom clouds would have been visible from kansas city, not denver. and there was no reason to blow the mine shut in episode two, but it's nice that skeet ulrich's character came to the rescue of his high school sweetheart (emily sullivan) right in the nick of time. now, that's typical hollywood. which begs the question, why didn't emily sullivan recognize the sheriff deputies? cause in a small town, everyone knows each other.

but other than that, we really like the show a lot. and while it would have made a very good movie, but we're enjoying the weekly mystery. makes me wonder thought if we should stock up on peanut butter.

Happy Birthday To Our Girls Who Turned Two!

What Is It About Blooms?

so my sister was actually being pretty supportive, versus the usual, which is like the spanish inquisition only worse, so i decided to do something selfless and nice and sent her flowers. i think it's important to do nice things, the unexpected, and just because. and she called to thank me, which was very nice. unfortunately, then it turned into 64 questions. i don't get it, except that she's a genetic twin of my annoying mother. arg.

for the record, i love, love, love gerbera daisies. they are probably my most favorite flower, next to roses, as i tend to be a traditionalist when it comes to blooms. i saw these on 1.800.flowers, which is w-a-y pricier than marthaflowers and hallmark flowers. i had a 15% coupon that i got by redeeming some mycokerewards points and i loved the sunny look of these.

personally, if i was gonna get flowers, the following two bouquets (martha's natch) would fit the bill very nicely. but i'm certainly not hinting at anything. seriously. i'm just saying that if i was gonna get flowers, these would so luciously received.

Artistic Team Building

so the director of our department (my previous supervisor) has wanted to organize a team-building activity for some time. so, one of my coworkers suggested a trip to the nelson atkins-museum of art and another coworker who knows the curator arranged for a private tour on the afternoon of october 18. which is cool for two reasons: one, it's my birthday! and two, as we leave for tampa the next day, i'll already mentally be on vacation. and with the art museum ten minutes from our house once the tour is over i can easily jet home.

as an art lover, it's going to be a treat to have a private tour of our foremost museum. and doubly fab that it's arranged for my birthday and that we're getting paid for it. yay, team building is awesome.

Yay, Summer Is Back!

I Really Want To See This On Sunday

The Madonna Or The Devil?

so last night the adorable one and i watched "gone with the wind" (on dvd from the library, natch), as he had never seen it. i've seen the movie numerous times, as scarlett is, well always been a role model for me. oh, i don't agree with her not seeing that rhett was like the best thing that ever happened to her, but i like her gritty determination, fearlessness, resourcefulness, and her passion for life. i like that she called things for what they were, that she did what she felt she had to do, even when it wasn't right. and i gotta hand it to her, she was a master manipulator. not that i'm advocating being one. just that she had the balls and smarts to be one.

at the same time, i always admired the character of melanie wilkes--she is the epitome of being a lady, exuding kindness and generosity, and being a decent person. i look at the character and think, "jeez, it would be great to be just like melanie--kind and wonderful to all." it's like there isn't a mean bone in her body. not being catholic i can't profess to knowing if that qualifies her as a madonna, but she is certainly is saintly.

scarlett, well, i wouldn't put her in that category--she tends to be more devilish. but if push came to shove, and i had to choose to be one, it wouldn't be hard to decide. i'm not as much like scarlett as perhaps i would like or seem to be, but she has an indomitable spirit that i wish i had.

and if that makes me a devil, well so be it.

I'm A Bobbing Bobcat

the adorable one's mom, who is beyond cool, sent me this link. for a simple mind such as myself, this is as close to nirvana in the game realm that i'm probably gonna get. my goal is to become a turbo-charged cheetah, so i'll keep you posted on my progress.

From The Strange But True Files

the temperature usually dips around 50 degrees every night and with one of the windows open, abby has become a fixture of sleeping on my right arm. which is awesome and i love it. nikki has never been one to settle except for at the adorable one's feet. occasionally she'll curl up in my arm and let me scratch her neck, which was the case last night.

and as she turned her head to have me better scratch one side or the other, i got the distinct feeling from her, one which i haven't before, that said, "there's more to me than you think." even now when i type the words, it seems weird. and i don't know where the feeling came from, but that's the message i got.

and while i seriously doubt this means i'm on some kind of esp level with our girls, it was interesting. i'm just hoping they continue to beam insights my way. who knows? maybe i'm destined to be some kind of kitty antenna.

And I'm Not Even A MasterCard Holder

yesterday we received a summary of services from the hospital for the first er visit that was necessitated by the servere allergic reaction a couple weeks ago, so i thought in the spirit of those fabulous mastercard advertisements, here's a breakdown of our expenses:

generic benadryl purchased at the hospital pharmacy: $1.88
12 oz. bottle of dasani water: $2.00
two boxes of aveeno soothing oatmeal bath treatment: $15
two boxes of benadryl: $10
emergency services: $695.00
insurance co-pay: $100

being hive-free: priceless

Drum Roll Please

we booked our hotel for the upcoming tampa trip. we're getting (kind of) a deal for the first and last day, which includes a deluxe room with an upgrade upon arrival, plus dinner ($75) at their signature restaurant, pelagia trattoria. personally, i think the adorable one is going to go gaga over the complimentary, gourmet olive bar, featuring varieties of that icky condiment/vegetable from all over the world.

we plan to visit the florida aquarium, as the adorable one and i are big fans of ocean creatures and we've heard good things about it. i mean how can you go wrong with a place whose motto is, "a cool way to sea life." i love it.

the rest of the time we'll most likely be at the beach or poolside, reading, sunning, napping, etc. yay, i know. it's gonna be rough. real rough.

I Just Started This Yesterday

and once again, "entertainment weekly" was right on the ball. i love it when a review leads you to a book, a movie, music, etc. that you might not have tried on your own and makes you glad you took the time to check it out.

Helpful Tips For A Yummy Breakfast Casserole

so i've been on the hunt for a breakfast casserole, or i should say, an easy breakfast casserole that had eggs, sausage, cheese, and tator tots. and i found one on the allrecipes website. so while the warm heart stew is cooking in the crockpot, the adorable one whipped up the casserole for dinner. and man oh man, it's delish.

once again, i'm in awe of the adorable one's cooking finesse as i would have blown the recipe guaranteed. luckily, he's a pro in the kitchen, among other places. my next plan is to find some kind of dessert casserole that is s'more-ish. let the search begin, as i'm sure a lot of research and development is going to be necessary. yes, very necessary. wish me luck!

Oh, But The Difference A Day Makes

i feel like the last couple of weeks were a storm that circled and raged--sometimes i wondered if it would all pass over. if the sun would come out. if things would right themselves. if things i thought broken were actually fixable. and the answer was yes. to all.

i wasn't sure if i would ever come out of the benadryl haze. the stuff actually does leave your system. i wondered if the cabbage patch head and i would ever have a honest conversation about the tension between us. we did. turns out that she's miserable in our group and wants out. who knew? more on that in another post, but the main point is, she's not my enemy. guess what? that feels really good. it's tiring hating someone all the time. it just wears you out. and it's juvenile.

i wondered if i would have the inner strength to apply for another position in our group--similar to the one i applied for a few months ago that i didn't get. i turned in the application today--the same day the new position posted. will i get the job? truth is, i doubt it. my supervisor (the new one) and my previous supervisor both had my job for six years before moving up and they are both are of the mindset that you have to do the job for that length of time before being promoted. sad, but true. is it going to stop me from going balls to the wall ins the interview, creating a nifty leave-behind on why they should choose me, lining up solid references, etc.? hell no. if anything, i'm inspired to really pour it on.

and probably the thing that mattered most--me and the twin are going to meet up for happy hour this thursday. maybe it was timing as i received a card from her when i got home, but i emailed her this morning and it turns out what i thought was broken was never really broken. i'm going to have to work on not overreacting to everything as nothing is as dire as i tend to think it is.

the last pieces? well, this girl has finally got to go back to the gym and eat right. and i think i'm finally, really finally ready to do both. doesn't mean i'm giving up sushi or cheeseburgers or cookies or ice cream. just means i need to manage them better. i'm tired of looking awful and being out of breath and feeling unhealthy.

which leaves me with the mother unit issue, which is just not resovable, but manageable. i've decided less interaction is more, so i'm on the "we'll see them when my sister comes into town and that's it" plan. other than maybe thanksgiving, that will be the only time this fall we plan to interact with them. just too much work and there's no point spending time with people who condemn you for not making their decisions. i'm over it.

so this is going to sound drippy, but it's good to me. i married the man of my dreams, i've got a nice house, two adorable kitties, a decent job, great friends, a loving sister and brother, my health, and my happiness. and we're going to tampa in about three weeks. yahoo!

Out Of The Benadryl Haze

i dragged myself home on friday, my brain totally muddled. the most i could do was throw on my pajamas and heave myself into bed. and i slept. and i slept most of yesterday--i just could not get myself out of bed, physically or mentally. i finally started to feel human again after a hot shower and an outing to the movie theater.

we saw "little miss sunshine", which a lot of people told us was totally hilarious. it was in a few places. but mostly it was painful. it wasn't one of those movies where i felt like it was a positive experience or good that we saw it. i didn't feel like a better person for seeing the flick--just like we had spent a couple hours being miserable. and i'm not saying every movie has to enlighten us, to improve our daily perspective--but i usually hold indie flicks with higher regard.

so today we ran a couple of errands--made it to petsmart and the grubstore. finally got some food in the house, plus the adorable one cooked polish sausages on the new george foreman grill. i haven't used it yet, but if it's as easy peasy as the cute one says, i'll be using it all the time.

it feels good to think again. to not feel like i'm in a fog and all over the place. to function again. to put sentences together. to be me. that's what i've been missing all week. me. but now i'm back. and it's good.

Scattered

is how i feel from a mental perspective. i feel like i can't concentrate like normal. it seemed like i mentally flitted in between projects today, not really accomplishing anything of consequence. it was weird. it's like i wanted to radar in on what to do, but just couldn't mentally will myself to make it happen.

plus, i'm tired of feeling like i get my period every two to three weeks. i used to go without a period for months at a time (no, not preggars) and loved not having it, i really did. at one point, i swear i thought i was going into a really early menopause as i never got my period, but it didn't bug me. i think it mostly had to do with the stress in my life, the up and down weight loss, and the different medications (antidepressents).

i feel like i just got done with a cycle and now it's back again. i just want it to go away. or maybe my uterus is just jettisoning months of liner. who knows? i'm gross, i get it.

at least i've been able to get some stuff done around the house--a couple loads of laundry, a load of dishes, cleaned out a bit of the fridge, stripped the bed, and put on fresh sheets. feels good to get small things done, as earlier in the week i just had no energy. i mean, i was home from work, but felt like i couldn't lift a muscle. it was like my body was in total drano mode.

and i haven't heard from my twin, despite sending her a few emails. it hurts. boy does it hurt. i thought by now she would like get over it and we would move on. but i was wrong. and it hurts.

For Some Reason, I'm Jonesing For S'Mores

which could be due to one of coworkers talking about marshmellow fluff in his specialty coffee. or i could just be craving the chocolately, gooey, and cracker nirvana. you know that feeling where you can practically taste something? yay, i am sooooo there.

Hives Be Gone

i can't be absolutely sure, as my feet are still a tad itchy, but the hives seem to be retreating. at least for now. and i am grateful, believe you me. you wouldn't think hives would be that big of a deal, but rest assured, being itchy to the point of driven mad is no fun. while i was still somewhat blotchy, splotchy, and itchy i went back to work and as weird as it sounds it was okay. i didn't have any dread that i had dropped the ball on anything or that something had fallen through the cracks.

in fact, my new supervisor had routed a "get well" card and my other coworker that just returned from a two-week trip to asia, brought back a a neat baby kimono top. i worked on a couple of things, but didn't feel frenzied or stressed or even guilty for having to be home for a couple of days. at the toxic waste dump it would have been completely different situation. there would have been hate voicemails, nasty email gut bombs, and being treated like scummy scourge by dr. jekyll/ms. hyde. man, i just don't miss those days.

i finally got in contact with my doctor who wants me to come in on friday. i don't really want to go. but if the hives aren't gone, it will be a week since breaking out. it seems to be worse in the mornings as i was pretty hive-ish. and i can't say that it seems okay that i'm popping pepcid, benadryl, and the anti-itch stuff more than i should, but i'm at a loss on what else to do.

i feel like since i'm out of the steroid, i have to keep the hives at bay. unfortunately, i'm also concerned this is also somehow very bad for my internal organs, like my liver. not too good. i still can't figure out why during one of our er visits that they just didn't hook me up to an iv for like four to six hours, or even longer, and just pumped in super-strength benadryl, steroids, and any other antihistimines. naturally, they don't do that any more. or they didn't with me. i got one dose of drugs via iv and sent on my merry way. or as merry as you can be at 2:30 a.m.

maybe i'll get lucky and wake up tomorrow and i'll face the day hive-free. then again, i could be dreaming.

Fairytales Do Come True

this is the tampa skyline at night. it's also where we will be in about a month's time for my birthday weekend. the adorable one, the prince of princes, surprised me the other day by booking a four-day trip to a city we have wanted to visit for some time and one that just happens to be in my favorite state, the one where summer rules eternal. our kind of place.

we haven't figured out where we're staying--maybe a Marriott Hotel for the rewards points, or a bed-and-breakfast, but to me, the fun is figuring that out. plus, there's restaurants, museums, a potential nfl football game (bucs versus the eagles, oh yay) to investigate. the neat part is, i always had a fantasy about being whisked away for my birthday, and viola, the man makes it happen. i am stoked!

i never thought i would end up with the guy--the one that really makes your life this amazing place, that cares for you when the chips are down or when you are sick, who challenges you to be a better person, and asks for so little in return. i'll never really know what i ever did to deserve the adorable one because a lot of days i don't think i deserve such a terrific human being as my life partner. but i must have done something right in a previous life, because i'm living my dream. with my man at my side.

so it's off to tampa in a month. anyone with recommendations on where to stay, play, eat, and best place to grab some rays, let us know. in the meantime, to keep myself cheery (and not to brag or boast), i'm gonna post occasional stock photos of tampa as a reminder that things do change, they do work out, and you can end up in a warm, sunny place with the love of your life. and yes, i get that i'm a major mushy dripball. can you blame me?

I Miss My Twin, I Really Do

last week my twin and i had our first spat/fight and it was mostly due to me being a bonehead. and while i apologized via email and sent a card, i can't say with certainty, that it's all going to work out magically. friendships, like bank accounts, must receive regular deposits as one major withdrawal can wipe you out. and i don't want to be melancholy or blue or pessimisstic, but i have a deep-seated feeling that although we could put the incident behind us, it's going to hang around like an albatross.

maybe i don't believe that people can forgive and forget. i try to be forgiving, in fact, some times, i think i'm way too trusting, especially when i allow myself to be burned over and over by the same people (a couple of coworkers come to mind--sasquatch and the cph). i thought i could just write the friendship off, that it wouldn't bother me, that i could content myself with just the adorable one, who is my bestest friend and the person i adore more than anything on this planet.

but i do miss her. it hasn't been a week and i already feel cut off, like someone loped off a limb. and it's not like we saw each all the time or hung out constantly. it was just the feeling that there was someone with a similar mindset, perspectives, and opinions that were very much like my own. and that was nice. it's good to have friends of the same gender that get you, sympathize and emphathize as needed, make you laugh with funny tales, shop with you, etc.

we were scheduled to get together this weekend--she and her hubby were going to come over for dinner on saturday, but we already canceled those plans, fearing that we would feel awkward, uncomfortable, and that the hurt would still be hanging between us like bad breath. and that's probably the case.

the thing that frightens me, i suppose, is that my friends are dwindling--i spend more time at home, with the adorable one (who i do love dearly!), and in kind of a hermit world. i used to have, what i thought were quite a good group of different friends that we would spend time with, but we've all spiraled away from each other, with the ripples growing wider by the months. it's strange, especially for me. i totally used to be a social butterfly, and now it's a struggle to get my out of the house to even eat dinner. which if you know me, you know is way bizarro.

i feel a great loss and know it's my fault. i can't turn back the hands of time or erase the way i acted. i can apologize tenfold and know the hurt feelings aren't going to melt away. and so i drift, uncertain of what to do. there is a part of me that wants to reach out, to see if we can put the ship back on course, but i think the bigger piece of me has already withdrawn to a metal shell of sorts, where it seems safer to peer out of once in awhile.

and although the adorable one is convinced that things will work out and everything will eventually be the way it was and that all friendships go through bumps and rough patches, i just don't share his faith. so, i do feel like a part of me has died because i had an outlet, a twin in which i could share my innermost thoughts and feelings, and she got it.

but i think those days are gone now. and i have no one to blame but myself. i would like to sit here and write a chirpy post about how things will be resolved and we will be friends again, but i can't see or feel this to be true. and it hurts, it really does.

maybe in time, she can forgive me. but i am not sure i can forgive myself. in which case, she is probably better off without a friend like me. but it doesn't change the fact that i'll miss her.

Well The Good News Is

my feet and hands are no longer swollen, and i can walk without wincing due to this astronomical hive situation. i've been popping benadryl, pepcid (who knew it was an antihistimine?), some other anti-itch pill, prednisone (yes, i know, a scary steroid), and slathering myself with hydrocortisone cream. i think the allergic reaction is on the run, and i dream of a non-itchy future. is that too much to ask? nay, i say, nay.

Oh Chick-fil-A, At Last We Meet

You Don't Really Think You're Going To Win, Do You?

that's the quote i'm planning to use when i have to go to the mat with the cph is from "batman returns." never mind that it's spoken by the penguin, played by danny devito. because it's like on continuous loop, 24/7 in my brain. and let's face it, it just sounds cool.

It's Like We Never Had A Pool

can we say, "super bummed"?

Well, That Settles It

You Should Visit Brazil

If you're looking for an extreme yet chill vacation, Brazil is perfect for you. Go wild at Carnaval, get lost in the Amazon, and relax checking out the beautiful people on the beach.

What Latin American Country Should You Visit?

Double The Horribleness

and double the itchiness, all over. truly, a pox upon my beleagured body. triple ugh!

I Don't Have Much Hope

so we had the meeting today where my current supervisor announced the new reporting structure. and the big boss (the guy my supervisor reports to) made the announcement that my supervisor was just promoted to director, which is huge. really huge. the guy is like 31 and is well on his way to moving well up the ladder. he's only been with the company nine years, but i think he'll end up running the place eventually. and we're talking about a global company.

of course, it was also announced that mr. perfect is going to manage me, the cabbage patch head, and a new person to be hired, who will do the same job as me and the cph. so the two of us met with him after the staff meeting to share our thoughts. and i told him the truth--that is, i hope it ends up being a good thing.

but i don't really believe that anything will change, that we will ever get developed, promoted, chosen for training and conferences. can't see it happening as he is just as busy as my previous supervisor, who left me to pretty much toil in obscurity as he never had the time to mentor/coach me. which was okay. the hard part was watching other people in my group get picked to attend tons of training opportunities, conferences, etc. it's a tug of war--part of me wants more and the other part wants be invisible.

the adorable one thinks this is the best thing that could happen because as persnickety as mr. perfect is, he will be committed to the plan of growing me and the cph. i just don't have any hope it's going to work out.

Beef, Words & Tears

yesterday my twin brought dinner over, which was super nice. and much appreciated as any time i don't have to cook a welcome break. not that i hate cooking, because i don't--it's just a lot of work. and as i spend my whole day running down information that often feels like either an extended treasure hunt or a wild goose chase, usually i don't feel like doing any more work at the end of the day.

anyway, my twin had to bring a bunch of stuff in and i was in the middle of trying to get some other things ready, plus i was in my pajamas (i know, i'm a freak, let's just move on), so i really didn't want to go out to her car and help bring stuff in. i should have just done it and of course, i can see that in hindsight. i really can.

i had survived a huge jolt at work regarding news of a supervisor change, i was still trying to pin down the cph to clear the air over her potshot email sent on monday, and i also had another somewhat uncomfortable and hurtful conversation with my mom. so, i wasn't in the best frame of mind, but that's no excuse. when she came in, i explained that i was hoping she could take home the vanilla ice cream they brought a couple weeks ago, as the adorable one and i do not care for vanilla unless it's buried under a heap of chocolate/hot fudge syrup, caramel, and whipcream. again, in hindsight, i should have asked if she would have liked to take the ice cream home as we did not want it going to waste.

this irritated my twin. because she said as much and also offered up that she has to, at times, censor herself around me. this is quite concerning because i never want anyone to feel like they can't be honest with me and tell the truth, especially if i'm acting like a jerkweed, and two, she had already given another friend the heave-ho after three years of bad, boorish behavior.

unfortunately, i lost it. and yelled at her. i completely blew a gasket. and while i have a horrible temper and tend to fly off the handle because i'm reactive, it was not kind or fair to her. so she stayed in the living room for awhile and then moseyed back into the kitchen. we sat down to eat (she brought roast beef, potatoes, carrots, cabbage, and gravy--this is the midwest, where gravy is revered and her's was quite good and i don't even like gravy.) and i said something like, "so are we going to continue being pissed at each other or are we going to get over it?" and she said, "yay, we're like a couple from the 1950s where the husband and wife have had an argument and are sitting silently eating dinner." and after that, we talked about other stuff, sweeping the incident under the rug.

after dinner, we talked about the usual stuff--work, our increased control over finances and savings, vacations, my creepy mom, etc. she left around 7:45 p.m., right before the adorable one came home. it was while we were watching this interesting documentary, "the parrots of telegraph hill", when the adorable one went into the kitchen to rinse his dinner dishes, that all of a sudden, a torrent of tears and sobs came over me and i competely and totally broke down.

now anyone that truly knows me, knows that i hate to cry. i hate it with a passion. because it's a complete loss of control for me and i'm a control freak. and while i feel better after crying, to me, it's a sign of weakness whenever someone cries. hence, i avoid chick flicks with a passion, as in most people they tend to produce tons of tears. not my thing.

but i was bawling loudly, enough to where i think it kinda freaked out the adorable one. he came out the kitchen and said, "okay, was it the movie? did it bother you that some parrots got hurt or that the guy had to give some of the domesticated birds away when he moved? should we stop watching?"

it was at that point where between the heaving breaths and tears, i explained that the twin and i had exchanged words, that i had yelled at her unceremoniously, and the telephone exchage with my mom. i felt like, at that point, that everything was converging on me--the job situation, the relationship with my overly critical mother, the fight with the twin and the revelation that she censored herself around me, etc. it reminded me of a bunch of weather fronts that converge to form a killer storm.

so, i sent an apology email to the twin and hope that she can forgive my trespass and outburst. i emailed the mother unit and canceled her coming over to lunch on saturday, which would presumably be the usual laundry list of critiques (i'm fat, out-of-shape, unobservant/not religious enough, etc.). as i tried to explain in my email, i cannot take on any more hurt or criticism at this point--i just feel raw. i don't even know if she can possibly grasp how i feel, so it's worthless to try to communicate in my current state of mind.

all i really feel like doing is hiding in a hole, away from the world. i want to cancel all our social engagements for the next month or two and just hibernate. i don't know if the adorable one will let me get away with it, but i'm going to give it my all.

for my twin, i feel like i shredded a quilt and i can't just mend the rip because it's never going to the same again. it's like breaking a beloved vase--even if you glue the pieces back together, it won't look the way it used to. now there's this thing between us. some people have fights and it makes their relationship stronger. i know that sounds weird, but when you have people with strong personalities, head butting will occur. and we're both strong-willed gals. the adorable one said consoling, "i am surprised it took this long for you guys to skirmish."

the point is, i don't really know if our friendship is repairable. could i really forgive someone that yelled at me, even under duress? probably not. i would always have it in the back of my head that this person took their anger out at me. so, i'm not sure where it leaves us. and truthfully, i'm not sure where all this leaves me.

Welcome To Dante's Inferno

so today my supervisor, who i do like for the most part, pulled me aside to show me the new structure of our department, as mr. perfect has been promoted to the same position as him. prior to that happening last month, my supervisor managed eight people, which is a lot when you consider we doubled our department in the span of a year.

the worst thing that could happen, as far as i'm concerned, is for me to report to someone else, especially mr. perfect, because even though i'm not being mentored, coached, developed, etc., my supervisor is extremely well respected, admired, and regarded.

i had mentioned to the adorable one that i was concerned that with the promotion of mr. perfect, me and the cabbage patch head (cph) would be moved under him so he would have direct reports, which he's always wanted. and unfortunately, it's happened sooner than expected, as tomorrow my supervisor is going to make the official announcement at a special meeting tomorrow regarding the future of our department.

i knew exactly what my supervisor was going to say as soon as he showed me the current organization chart. i just had that pit-in-the-stomach feeling. and i knew i could not show any emotion. if anything, i knew i would have to act supportive and somewhat happy. which couldn't be further than the truth.

so now i'm in a dilemma. while i don't love my job, per se, it pays okay, i get along with almost everyone i work with (the exception being that psycho cph), and the office is close to the adorable one's so we can do lunch every day. or carpool if needed. it's just knowing that he's within minutes that makes a huge difference.

mostly because lately i feel tenuous. i feel like crying almost all the time when i'm at home. i can practically feel the tears behind my eyes, just on the verge of spilling over. and i couldn't tell you why. i wish i could. i really do. i just feel like damaged and pain on the inside. maybe it's the depression, i'm not sure.

i feel like i should start looking for another job because i'm not sure that working for mr. perfect is going to be okay. to give you an example, i came in this morning, checked my email and there was a message from him time-stamped at 3:25 a.m. i asked him when he sleeps and he said, "between 10:00 p.m. and 2:00 a.m." i can't function like that and other than him, i don't know who can. as the adorable one said at lunch, "it would just end up being a brain drain."

while mr. perfect does not expect me and the cph to work the same hours he does, he is extraordinarily nit-picky. he even got all over the cph today for wanting to use a photograph of a confidential project, which is understandable. just not expected since she so often acts like mini-me to his dr. evil. and the thing is, he's not a bad guy, he really isn't. and he's supposed to develop the both of us to where we get promoted up.

and what's even more horrid is that before i knew about this change, mr. perfect and i had to attend a conference call this morning and on the way, he asked me about my workload especially a specific type of project that i am trying to move away from. and i mentioned that i'm trying to focus on other things, in an effort to grow professionally. i had no idea that he was probably fishing for information. so now he knows that i'm trying to, essentially, elevate myself above my current position, which in truth, is below my skill set.

i took the job a couple years ago after being laid off for eight months. i was desperate. fortunately i really clicked with my supervisor in the interview and i knew, instinctively, that he was the kind of person i could easily work for--he would always inspire me to do better, more, and we understood where the other was coming from. the thing is, i'm comfortable there. i'm used to going to work every day. i don't want to really have to change jobs. at the same time i don't want to be nit-picked to death.

so we'll see. the adorable one has assured me that day-to-day, my job is not going to change. the only real difference will be having a very hands-on, very involved supervisor. the test will be to see if i can survive and perhaps thrive. only time will tell if i get burnt to a crisp or become flame retardant.

Upcoming Recipe Roundup, Just In Case You Care

let me first state that none of the following pictures are mine. i found them on various websites and the blueberry muffin photo is from martha stewart, which is why it looks so damn perfect. okay, so i'm back on the cooking wagon and wanted to share my culinary adventures. because, dammit, i'm nice like that. notice how i worked in damn and dammit into one paragraph? sweet.

the dish below is called grandma b's bean soup and it's currently doing its thing in our crockpot, making the entire house smell positivo delish. and what i like is that it required minimal effort. i soaked a pound of navy beans overnight, drained them when i got home today, threw in our leftover ham (diced), some chopped veggies (carrots, celery, potatoes, and half an onion), added water to cover, and it will percolate overnight. i mean, this is super easy, even for a novice like me. did i mention it already smells yummy?

so, while the ham and bean soup is a'cooking, we (the adorable one and me) decided to make martha's double blueberry muffins. now, ours did not look all puffylicious like the ones below, but they did turn out pretty decent. they needed more sugar as the blueberries were a bit tart and less cornmeal. otherwise, it's a good recipe, not too difficult, especially for us non-bakers (that's me, as the adorable one makes the most scrumptious chocolate cookies. ever. period.), and pretty quick from start to finish. next time we'll adjust the recipe as needed and put more batter in each paper cup so ours are sweeter and and picture-perfect (it's the martha in me, sigh!).

okay, this odd little pic is a baked apple with some kind of sauce on it. i'm making dave lieberman's recipe on saturday, when my mom comes over for lunch. i'm also serving my safe standby, yes, tuna salad sandwiches, as it's probably the one thing i make that she actually likes. anyway, i'm kinda interested to try it and since it's mostly healthy (alright, alright, it has real butter and an ice cream sauce--small details) and she's a sucker for dessert like me, hopefully it will turn out darn delish. i'll let ya know.

and the chili i made on sunday turned out really awesome. i did deviate a bit from the recipe in that i added a can of chili beans and used a can of diced tomatoes and their juice, versus a cup of pureed tomatoes. and i added tons of pepper, salt, and less chili powder (like two tablespoons, max, versus the 1/4 cup called for), and it was really quite good. surprise!

what's really amazing is that i'm tackling recipes from the likes of martha and williams-sonoma, when previously i would have been too intimidated to try. maybe my confidence is up as i've learned that it's okay if the recipe doesn't turn out exactly like as expected. then again, it still chaffs my butt that i made gummy pasta. never again!

but it's all good, and even better when i get to cook with the adorable one. my twin is coming over tomorrow with roast beef, so we're gonna chow down on that bad boy with some soupie and sauteed green beans. is it dinner time yet? i'm starving.

She's At It Again, Mother Puss Bucket

well, one thing you can say about the cabbage patch head (cph) is that she is consistent. how so, you ask? she is one of a handful of people that can instantly get under my skin and blow my blood pressure off the charts. here's a recent example of her taking a potshot at me.

so, our supervisor emails us both asking us if one of us has time to work on a project due this week. normally, it's just the kind of thing i would be happy to take on, but as i had overpromised one project yesterday and somewhat under-delivered, and had plenty on my plate, i thought it best, for once not to hoard everything and asked the cph if she had time to handle. keep in mind she had made it sound like she wasn't all that busy when we discussed our workloads at staff meeting. plus, the project fell more into more of her area--the end client is served by two of the product lines she most closely works with.

seeing that my supervisor had issued the email, i returned his message and copied her, explaining that we had discussed what was best and that she would handle the project. i could pitch in if needed, but she was the lead. that really should have been the end of it, as i even provided the path to the server where the previous project files were located to give her a head start, as the projects were similar.

but it just couldn't be that easy. my supervisor emails her to thank her for handling the project and offered his availability if she needed help. so what does the super bitch do? well, she emails my boss, me and copies the two internal clients on the project thanking him for his offer and suggesting that since i'm swamped maybe he can help me out.

like, hello? all you had to do stupid was say thank you, i'm handling it, and that's all. but nooooo. she has to take a potshot at me, when i'm the one that essentially gave her the project to work on. i could have easily kept it for myself, but i have, as i said, plenty to work on and she implied, at least at the meeting, that she could take on additional projects.

and by the way, my project workload is none of your business loser. none at all. you need not be concerned as i can manage it just fine. that's why i take my projects to the finish line and get results. but to imply to others that i'm incapable of taking care of business, that's crossing the line.

i sent her email to both the adorable one and a trusted colleague and they both agreed she was out of line. the problem is, there is never any accountability for her. now, if i had sent that email, holy cow would i have been tagged. big time. now, she thinks it's okay to hurl potshots and not get busted. i don't think so.

i emailed her at the end of today requesting to meet with her for a few minutes, privately, when time permits. of course she wanted to know what our meeting was about, but i said that i would not discuss it via email and that it would be a private discussion. naturally, she's put me off until later this week or even next week as she probably has an inkling of what's coming.

all i want to say, if i could is this--"listen up. when you write emails like this, it's implied that you're taking a potshot at me. and if that's the case and i think it is, you're wasting your time and you're only making yourself look bad. this is the warning shot off the bow because i'm going to let this one slide. but i'm on to you, the gloves are off, and if this happens again, it's not going to be a pleasant experience for you." and then walk off.

but that's too much like a movie or tv, so i'm working on plan b, which may include tattling to my boss, who just doesn't get why this stuff bothers me. okay, hello? it's not alright to sling mud at me and expect that i'm going to take it. it's not gonna happen. i'm going to defend myself. get used to it.

is is just me people? am i crazy? nuts? lost it? it's possible. in the meantime, i think i'll take a page from the esteemed muhammad ali and float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. you going down cph. hard.

Do Cats Actually Get Any Cuter Than This?

i didn't think so either. our girl-child has been quite the interesting person of late. more often than not, she spends her nights curled up on right under my chin, on my right arm and shoulder, making it impossible to turn over. and despite having a bit of a sore hip from sleeping in one position, i can't complain, as she's just a little ball of love. much like her just-as-adorable younger sis.

and simply based on the picture above, i think this once and for all settles the debate of who is cuter, cats or dogs. cats, definitely. c'mon, i dare you to argue with me. the proof, they say, is in the pudding. or in my case, a great picture of our miss abby.

An Ode To Why I Don't Like Fall

while somewhat pretty, it's still hard to watch the leaves change color and ultimately fall off the trees, stripping them bare for what seems like eight months.

and because of the cooler weather, causing said leaves to fall of the trees, i'm stuck wearing these for what seems like eight months. ugh, i say. ugh.

which is exactly why, when the opportunity is right, we're moving to the land of summer, where hose is probably is probably an antiquated word. except for when referring to what you use to water your plants and lawn, or when discussing the size of your hubby's significant member. of course, i'm just talking in generalities here. really. 'cause i wouldn't wanna brag or anything. did i mention i don't like fall? yup, no doubt about it.

Jolly Good Fun On CD

guess it helps that the narrator has a british accent and that it's simply smile-inducing listening to a tale about a would-be interloper infiltrate an upper-class, dare i say it, snotty, aristrocratic family. makes me quite glad to be bourgeoisie.

He's The Man

i realize, once again, that my lack of photography skills is not doing this picture any justice, so suffice it to say, this is the result of the adorable one's prowess at scrubbing our once quite disgusto refrigerator into sparkley submission. and this probably seems like another post exulting the greatness of the cutest one on the planet, namely my hubby.

and you would be right. but seriously, can you blame me? i mean, how often does your significant other do wonders with what was previously a hideous embarrassment? i'm counting my blessings people. especially since the freaking new antidepressent is not seemingly working and i'm an awfully, horrid, double the hideousness crabball of epic proportions. yup, i'm positively dreadful.

and in other cooking news, i forgot to save the two ladels of pasta water, so my penne with vodka sauce turned out gummy, dammit. i swear, i need a culinary intervention. so i made a batch of the old standby, tuna salad for lunches this week, okay dinner. and i've got a william-sonoma chili recipe burbling away in the crockpot. it smells good, but smells, as i've learned, can be quite deceiving.

i need some cheering, so i'm going to stiff arm the adorable one into going for ice cream and perhaps a kohl's or taget expedition. after all, a gal needs new undies and a look-see at a new comforter every now and then.

I'm A Lousy Photographer, But These Roses Are A Double Delight

actually this variety of rose is called the double delight, as they are white/cream with a lovely pink on the edges. gorgeous! and once again bequethed to me by that nice man at work that grows roses. i am an admitted plant killer, a scourge to all things green, so there is a true admiration for someone that can turn out such feasts for the eyes.

i'll keep working on the photography as i'm simply not doing these little treasures justice. in the meantime, please enjoy these doubly lovelies.

I Live In Cowtown, But I'm Rooting For Cincinnati

unfortunately, we live in a city that worships the chiefs, or as i refer to them as the chefs. it's hard to take because it's not like they are all that good. but the chiefs players and fans alike think that they are not only superbowl quality, but superbowl bound. the reality is, the defense sucks rocks and the offense is aging. as the adorable one likes to say, their superbowl window is almost closed. which is fine by me. it's bad enough when the losers, i mean the team makes the playoffs, only to lose in the first round.

year after year, it's the same old story. the chiefs make a run at the end of the seaon, people get their hopes up, the town goes into rah-rah mode, and then the other shoe drops as the chiefs blow it. you can set your watch by it, as it's an annual event, no joke.

the sickest part is watching all the white trash funnel into the stadium, clamoring for the $6+ bottle of beer, plus the ever-reverent media that thinks the chefs can do no wrong, despite losing games that they should have easily won (like last year's game against the pitiful Houston Texans and Buffalo Bills, for example). it's tough to take.

the worst of it all is when they interview the players, who routinely insist they are going to the superbowl and are a superbowl-caliber team. it's just not the case. with that in mind, i say "go tigers!" and for god's sake, please obliterate the chefs, as it would be great to start out with a loss at home.

so, call me the anti-fan, because nothing would be better than the chefs sucking it up all season. maybe then the people in this town would get it--the chefs aren't going to the big game any time soon. maybe they could support a real team on the rise. or, just a team that defines the term "team", and oh by the way, won the superbowl.

It's Shitty, Trust Us (No Pun Intended)

I'm A Carnivore & I'm Good With It

i don't know if it's because i've been raised in the midwest, but i'm a major fan of red meat. i love steak, usually filets, but i also like flank and flat iron, t-bones, and kc strips. naturally, i love burgers. always have. so before our haircuts this evening, we ducked into the westport flea market and tucked into yummy cheeseburgers.

which leads me to my next thought. who in the hell can be a vegetarian? seriously, i get that you can eat healthier with chicken, fish, turkey, and pork. but faced with a mouth-watering, juicy steak or burger, it's no contest. anyone that doesn't get it, well, you're obviously not related to me. even more so if you don't like chocolate shakes and onion rings.

Has Received Rave Reviews & We See It Saturday

with edward norton, paul giamatti, rufus sewell, and even jessica biehl getting kudos, we're stoked. plus, we're having greek food for dinner. yowsa, i'm happy.

Seriously, What's The Big Deal?

in case you've been in hiding, don't care, or just not keeping up on the latest and greatest entertainment news, "survivor: cook islands" has a new twist--the cast is divided into racial groups (caucasians, hispanics, african americans, and asians), so naturally a bunch of people are all up in arms and pissed off and making a lot of racket.

you know, i think it's a good idea. there are so many racial stereotypes out there, let's not be shy for a change. just listen to people--blacks are lazy, jews are rich, latinos are cheap but hardworkers, asians are chauvinistic, etc. the reality is, everyone has preconceptions about other groups. if i'm a member of the ku klux klan, chances are i hate blacks and jews. a lot of people associate germans with nazis. it's the way of the world.

that being said, i'm curious to see how it plays out. will the african americans be lazy? are all the white people whiners and boastful? will the asians set up a hierarchy where the men rule the tribe? all i know is that it looks to be another interesting season of watching people behaving badly, scheming, backstabbing, lying, etc. hoo wee, i can't wait until next thursday!

did i mention jeffy jeff probst is hot?

Just The Right Amount Of Purple, I Mean Lilac

Say Bon Jour To My Little Friend

served perfectly with a couple ice cubes and a lime wedge. thanks to my twin i'm drinking more agua and feeling more cultured doing so. and who knows? i may start spouting french!

Ain't He Sweet?

the adorable one sent me this yummy bucket of cookies to thank me for all the cooking i've been doing lately. yay, know--i'm really lucky. and also on a sugar high. whooooo!

Three Fall Flicks That Look Very, Very Good

Yes It's True

i'm gonna be an aunt again and i so can't wait! my nephew, little b, is about six years old and we (me, my mom and dad) have been jonesing for another wee one to spoil. if only the new little was going to live closer to us. as it is, we may only see her or him (we don't yet know the gender) a few times a year.

while it's true that the adorable one and i are not fond of children (i can count on one hand the children i actually like, no joke), i think we do very good in our aunt and uncle roles. i am particularly and horribly spoiling when it comes to offspring that are related to me, but not my own. so i am extremely happy and thrilled and can't wait for the baby to arrive in march.

we're never having kids--we're not interested in the time, $, and really, and i'm convinced that i'm way too selfish, shallow, and would be an awful mother--and i'm just not saying that, as i think the kid would be in therapy from day one due to my parenting, although the adorable one would be fabulous. i can say this as i've watched him with our nephew as well as our kittens and there is a genuine love of little ones that he cannot hide. plus he's so even-keeled. whereas, i'm like a see-saw.

and my little brother has made it clear that he never intends to marry, let alone have a kid. so, it's up to my little sis to pretty much continue populating our family. and while i would like my and the adorable one's bloodlines to live on, it's not worth it to just have a kid for the sake of having a kid.

so, i figure i can continue on my path to be an awesome aunt by loving them unconditionally, being their deputy cheerleader when needed, and hey, buying them cool stuff now and then. in the meantime, i'm off to the post office to ship a box of classic pooh goodies for what's sure to be the cutest baby in 2007. guess it's good that i'm not biased, huh?

Oh Barefoot Contessa, You're Redeemed

a very delish, easy ham recipe (see below)

my dull, but functional tablescape. so, i decided to make the barefoot contessa's baked virginia ham recipe. it's no longer available on the foodnetwork website, so here it is:

1 (14 to 16 pound) bone-in, spiral cut, smoked ham
1/2 cup dijon mustard
1 cup brown sugar
8 oz. jar of mango chutney
zest of one orange
1/4 cup freshly-squeezed juice
6 cloves minced garlic

preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

we used a 9.72 pound ham, which worked fine and four cloves (versus six) cloves of minced garlic; otherwise, i used all the ingredients and mixed them up in a bowl (the recipe calls for blending them together in a food processor).

place the ham in a heavy roasting pan, coat it with the marinade, and put in the oven. cook for one hour and then allow to rest for 10 to 15 minutes. slice and serve. it's incredibly simple and amazingly good. yum.

we served with sauteed green beans, an okay noodles romanoff recipe (i should have used 8 ounces of noodles versus the whole package. then it would have been less dry, my fault.), and spinach salad, which would have turned out decent except that i used vegetable oil for the dressing versus olive oil. any time a salad dressing recipe calls for vegetable oil, disregard and use olive oil. believe me, you won't be sorry.

and barefoot contessa, i'll never doubt you again.

Even Though I'm A Jayhawk Fan

i root for the huskers in support of the adorable one. go big red!

Finally, Recipe Succes

so after a week of recipes that bombed, for the most part, i hit pay dirt with this williams-sonoma penne with vodka sauce dish. it was so easy, required next-to-zero prep (chopping a wee bit of basil), and tasted quite good. in fact, i would most definitely make this again as turned out better than expected. and since i made a double batch, we have lotsa leftovers. nirvana baby, nirvana.

This Is The Type Of Stupid Shit I'm Talking About

as mentioned, i tend to be selfish, shallow, and narcissistic. granted, i'm getting better, but i realize it's an uphill battle against my normal nature. oh, i'm decent and nice enough. i just tend to think about me first. i'm gonna attribute it to being the first born, but chances are it's just my immature personality. it's all about me!

now that we have that out the way, i do try to be considerate of others. i like to buy cards for birthdays, anniversaries, to say thank you, congratulations, etc. i try to regularly send cards to both my sister and brother to let them know i'm thinking of them, and always try to route birthday cards to friends and coworkers. in addition, i do my best to mail "i love you" cards to the adorable on a weekly basis, because i always want him to know that i'm thinking of him and love him to tears, even when i'm being a bitchy crabball.

anyway, in the past two weeks, i routed a congratulations card for a coworker that just bought a house (i'll probably spring for a margarita set at target or bed, bath, and beyond as she'll have the perfect indoor/sun porch for her get-togethers). i also routed a card for a coworker, our graphics guru/wizard that left our company to do freelance work--more so because he hates the department he's in (the old department i used to be stuck in) and because another guy that does graphics gets paid $90k to outsource all the projects, be late on everything, and just be a dick. so i understand why the coworker left. it was an intolerable situation and i've been there before. at the toxic waste dump.

so, i get this email from the cabbage patch head (or the cph as the adorable one has dubbed her) saying that she routed the congratulations card back to me as she recognized my handwriting on the post-it note i used to list everyone's name with a place to check it off. now, the whole reason she emailed me and copied our supervisor, was to reiterate the fact that she does not want a card routed for her birthday and she wants no celebration, mention, or hoo-haw. whatever.

i found it particularly hilarious after i had routed this totally diplomatic response about not knowing when her birthday was and not making any type of plan or knowing of a plan regarding any celebration. i swear, this is the stupidest shit in the world. does she not have anything better to do than send emails about not wanting anyone to do anything nice for her birthday? guess not. and her loss, because i love a big fuss. in fact, the bigger the better, i don't care how old i get. i want the presents, flowers, candy, cake, good wishes, balloons, the whole kitten caboodle.

i mentioned this to the adorable one after work, naturally, and he said, "who gives a shit when her birthday is?" my point exactly.

Meet Dolly Parton

the rose, that is. one of my coworkers, our technology/it liaison is the lucky recipient of gorgeous roses, like the one above, from a fellow that works in our building. he's no crazy stalker or kook. he just loves to grow lovely flowers, something i wish i had a gift for, but i'm a plant killer and i've accepted this. for the most part.

anyway, yesterday my coworker bequethed miss dolly to me, so i brought her home for the weekend, where she's gracing our dining room table. i happen to love roses, i really do. and i like tulips, lillies (stargazers, calla, and royal), irises, sunflowers, and gerbera daisies. can't stand carnations--they've always seemed cheap to me, like regular daisies. but roses, man, my heart just goes pitter-patter for them. much like they do for sushi, chocolate cake, and of course, the adorable one.

and who knows? my coworker mentioned to the fellow that i was practically drooling over miss dolly, and he inquired who i was and where i am located, so i may be on the rose distribution list. which you know, i would really like. nothing brightens a dull workspace like flowers. then again, igor might do the trick.