I Miss My Twin, I Really Do

last week my twin and i had our first spat/fight and it was mostly due to me being a bonehead. and while i apologized via email and sent a card, i can't say with certainty, that it's all going to work out magically. friendships, like bank accounts, must receive regular deposits as one major withdrawal can wipe you out. and i don't want to be melancholy or blue or pessimisstic, but i have a deep-seated feeling that although we could put the incident behind us, it's going to hang around like an albatross.

maybe i don't believe that people can forgive and forget. i try to be forgiving, in fact, some times, i think i'm way too trusting, especially when i allow myself to be burned over and over by the same people (a couple of coworkers come to mind--sasquatch and the cph). i thought i could just write the friendship off, that it wouldn't bother me, that i could content myself with just the adorable one, who is my bestest friend and the person i adore more than anything on this planet.

but i do miss her. it hasn't been a week and i already feel cut off, like someone loped off a limb. and it's not like we saw each all the time or hung out constantly. it was just the feeling that there was someone with a similar mindset, perspectives, and opinions that were very much like my own. and that was nice. it's good to have friends of the same gender that get you, sympathize and emphathize as needed, make you laugh with funny tales, shop with you, etc.

we were scheduled to get together this weekend--she and her hubby were going to come over for dinner on saturday, but we already canceled those plans, fearing that we would feel awkward, uncomfortable, and that the hurt would still be hanging between us like bad breath. and that's probably the case.

the thing that frightens me, i suppose, is that my friends are dwindling--i spend more time at home, with the adorable one (who i do love dearly!), and in kind of a hermit world. i used to have, what i thought were quite a good group of different friends that we would spend time with, but we've all spiraled away from each other, with the ripples growing wider by the months. it's strange, especially for me. i totally used to be a social butterfly, and now it's a struggle to get my out of the house to even eat dinner. which if you know me, you know is way bizarro.

i feel a great loss and know it's my fault. i can't turn back the hands of time or erase the way i acted. i can apologize tenfold and know the hurt feelings aren't going to melt away. and so i drift, uncertain of what to do. there is a part of me that wants to reach out, to see if we can put the ship back on course, but i think the bigger piece of me has already withdrawn to a metal shell of sorts, where it seems safer to peer out of once in awhile.

and although the adorable one is convinced that things will work out and everything will eventually be the way it was and that all friendships go through bumps and rough patches, i just don't share his faith. so, i do feel like a part of me has died because i had an outlet, a twin in which i could share my innermost thoughts and feelings, and she got it.

but i think those days are gone now. and i have no one to blame but myself. i would like to sit here and write a chirpy post about how things will be resolved and we will be friends again, but i can't see or feel this to be true. and it hurts, it really does.

maybe in time, she can forgive me. but i am not sure i can forgive myself. in which case, she is probably better off without a friend like me. but it doesn't change the fact that i'll miss her.