Beef, Words & Tears

yesterday my twin brought dinner over, which was super nice. and much appreciated as any time i don't have to cook a welcome break. not that i hate cooking, because i don't--it's just a lot of work. and as i spend my whole day running down information that often feels like either an extended treasure hunt or a wild goose chase, usually i don't feel like doing any more work at the end of the day.

anyway, my twin had to bring a bunch of stuff in and i was in the middle of trying to get some other things ready, plus i was in my pajamas (i know, i'm a freak, let's just move on), so i really didn't want to go out to her car and help bring stuff in. i should have just done it and of course, i can see that in hindsight. i really can.

i had survived a huge jolt at work regarding news of a supervisor change, i was still trying to pin down the cph to clear the air over her potshot email sent on monday, and i also had another somewhat uncomfortable and hurtful conversation with my mom. so, i wasn't in the best frame of mind, but that's no excuse. when she came in, i explained that i was hoping she could take home the vanilla ice cream they brought a couple weeks ago, as the adorable one and i do not care for vanilla unless it's buried under a heap of chocolate/hot fudge syrup, caramel, and whipcream. again, in hindsight, i should have asked if she would have liked to take the ice cream home as we did not want it going to waste.

this irritated my twin. because she said as much and also offered up that she has to, at times, censor herself around me. this is quite concerning because i never want anyone to feel like they can't be honest with me and tell the truth, especially if i'm acting like a jerkweed, and two, she had already given another friend the heave-ho after three years of bad, boorish behavior.

unfortunately, i lost it. and yelled at her. i completely blew a gasket. and while i have a horrible temper and tend to fly off the handle because i'm reactive, it was not kind or fair to her. so she stayed in the living room for awhile and then moseyed back into the kitchen. we sat down to eat (she brought roast beef, potatoes, carrots, cabbage, and gravy--this is the midwest, where gravy is revered and her's was quite good and i don't even like gravy.) and i said something like, "so are we going to continue being pissed at each other or are we going to get over it?" and she said, "yay, we're like a couple from the 1950s where the husband and wife have had an argument and are sitting silently eating dinner." and after that, we talked about other stuff, sweeping the incident under the rug.

after dinner, we talked about the usual stuff--work, our increased control over finances and savings, vacations, my creepy mom, etc. she left around 7:45 p.m., right before the adorable one came home. it was while we were watching this interesting documentary, "the parrots of telegraph hill", when the adorable one went into the kitchen to rinse his dinner dishes, that all of a sudden, a torrent of tears and sobs came over me and i competely and totally broke down.

now anyone that truly knows me, knows that i hate to cry. i hate it with a passion. because it's a complete loss of control for me and i'm a control freak. and while i feel better after crying, to me, it's a sign of weakness whenever someone cries. hence, i avoid chick flicks with a passion, as in most people they tend to produce tons of tears. not my thing.

but i was bawling loudly, enough to where i think it kinda freaked out the adorable one. he came out the kitchen and said, "okay, was it the movie? did it bother you that some parrots got hurt or that the guy had to give some of the domesticated birds away when he moved? should we stop watching?"

it was at that point where between the heaving breaths and tears, i explained that the twin and i had exchanged words, that i had yelled at her unceremoniously, and the telephone exchage with my mom. i felt like, at that point, that everything was converging on me--the job situation, the relationship with my overly critical mother, the fight with the twin and the revelation that she censored herself around me, etc. it reminded me of a bunch of weather fronts that converge to form a killer storm.

so, i sent an apology email to the twin and hope that she can forgive my trespass and outburst. i emailed the mother unit and canceled her coming over to lunch on saturday, which would presumably be the usual laundry list of critiques (i'm fat, out-of-shape, unobservant/not religious enough, etc.). as i tried to explain in my email, i cannot take on any more hurt or criticism at this point--i just feel raw. i don't even know if she can possibly grasp how i feel, so it's worthless to try to communicate in my current state of mind.

all i really feel like doing is hiding in a hole, away from the world. i want to cancel all our social engagements for the next month or two and just hibernate. i don't know if the adorable one will let me get away with it, but i'm going to give it my all.

for my twin, i feel like i shredded a quilt and i can't just mend the rip because it's never going to the same again. it's like breaking a beloved vase--even if you glue the pieces back together, it won't look the way it used to. now there's this thing between us. some people have fights and it makes their relationship stronger. i know that sounds weird, but when you have people with strong personalities, head butting will occur. and we're both strong-willed gals. the adorable one said consoling, "i am surprised it took this long for you guys to skirmish."

the point is, i don't really know if our friendship is repairable. could i really forgive someone that yelled at me, even under duress? probably not. i would always have it in the back of my head that this person took their anger out at me. so, i'm not sure where it leaves us. and truthfully, i'm not sure where all this leaves me.