Welcome To Dante's Inferno

so today my supervisor, who i do like for the most part, pulled me aside to show me the new structure of our department, as mr. perfect has been promoted to the same position as him. prior to that happening last month, my supervisor managed eight people, which is a lot when you consider we doubled our department in the span of a year.

the worst thing that could happen, as far as i'm concerned, is for me to report to someone else, especially mr. perfect, because even though i'm not being mentored, coached, developed, etc., my supervisor is extremely well respected, admired, and regarded.

i had mentioned to the adorable one that i was concerned that with the promotion of mr. perfect, me and the cabbage patch head (cph) would be moved under him so he would have direct reports, which he's always wanted. and unfortunately, it's happened sooner than expected, as tomorrow my supervisor is going to make the official announcement at a special meeting tomorrow regarding the future of our department.

i knew exactly what my supervisor was going to say as soon as he showed me the current organization chart. i just had that pit-in-the-stomach feeling. and i knew i could not show any emotion. if anything, i knew i would have to act supportive and somewhat happy. which couldn't be further than the truth.

so now i'm in a dilemma. while i don't love my job, per se, it pays okay, i get along with almost everyone i work with (the exception being that psycho cph), and the office is close to the adorable one's so we can do lunch every day. or carpool if needed. it's just knowing that he's within minutes that makes a huge difference.

mostly because lately i feel tenuous. i feel like crying almost all the time when i'm at home. i can practically feel the tears behind my eyes, just on the verge of spilling over. and i couldn't tell you why. i wish i could. i really do. i just feel like damaged and pain on the inside. maybe it's the depression, i'm not sure.

i feel like i should start looking for another job because i'm not sure that working for mr. perfect is going to be okay. to give you an example, i came in this morning, checked my email and there was a message from him time-stamped at 3:25 a.m. i asked him when he sleeps and he said, "between 10:00 p.m. and 2:00 a.m." i can't function like that and other than him, i don't know who can. as the adorable one said at lunch, "it would just end up being a brain drain."

while mr. perfect does not expect me and the cph to work the same hours he does, he is extraordinarily nit-picky. he even got all over the cph today for wanting to use a photograph of a confidential project, which is understandable. just not expected since she so often acts like mini-me to his dr. evil. and the thing is, he's not a bad guy, he really isn't. and he's supposed to develop the both of us to where we get promoted up.

and what's even more horrid is that before i knew about this change, mr. perfect and i had to attend a conference call this morning and on the way, he asked me about my workload especially a specific type of project that i am trying to move away from. and i mentioned that i'm trying to focus on other things, in an effort to grow professionally. i had no idea that he was probably fishing for information. so now he knows that i'm trying to, essentially, elevate myself above my current position, which in truth, is below my skill set.

i took the job a couple years ago after being laid off for eight months. i was desperate. fortunately i really clicked with my supervisor in the interview and i knew, instinctively, that he was the kind of person i could easily work for--he would always inspire me to do better, more, and we understood where the other was coming from. the thing is, i'm comfortable there. i'm used to going to work every day. i don't want to really have to change jobs. at the same time i don't want to be nit-picked to death.

so we'll see. the adorable one has assured me that day-to-day, my job is not going to change. the only real difference will be having a very hands-on, very involved supervisor. the test will be to see if i can survive and perhaps thrive. only time will tell if i get burnt to a crisp or become flame retardant.