I'm Not Dead

just in hibernation and i hope to return this weekend if my spirit prevails. don't give up on me yet as there are tales to tell. stay tuned as i shall return . . .

Sunday Reading & Life Is Good

So What If We're Freakin' Predictable? At Least Our Friday Nights Are Delish With A Capital "D"

If We Had The $$$, We Would Hire Jackie In A LA Minute

it's weird that as averse as we are to exercise, we love this reality show--probably because it's as much about human behavior as actually getting in shape. just wish we had jackie's determination to be physically fit and have the moola to afford someone as talented as her to train us.

in return, we could teach her about having a positive, healthy relationship versus being in a trapped in a vicious hateful cycle with a major sociopath, and give her some pointers on the latest in gym fashion (camouflage is so last year). anyone have the phone number for the sky gym?

The Piejam Game

i've had the same pajamas from old navy for at least the past three years, so they are worn in and quite comfy. and also starting to sprout holes, as horribly embarrassing as that sounds. and even though they are like a security blanket, maybe it's time to explore what else is out there in the pajama world.

i like the above two examples from kohls, as when i checked out old navy's selection about a month ago it was like the patterns were created at willy wonka's factory. major yuckers, so i'm putting it out there. if you know of a good place to stock up on jammies, i'm all earballs.

and yes, i really am this boring. who knows though? with new pajamas i could be ravishly exciting. or maybe less dull. the possibilities are endless!

I'm On Disk 1 Of 14 And Already Entranced

What The Fuckity Fuck Is This Loser Still Doing On AI?

A Very Weird Day

no day is exactly normal in my universe, but today was a a strange one. let us count the ways:

• i didn't feel like going to work when i was disturbed out of deep slumber by my alarm clock. wait . . . that's that's normal.
• okay, here's a weird thing--cabbage patch head (cph) sorta storms into my cube saying something like, "you are not going to believe this" and continues going on this long diatribe about all these companies that manufacture wet cat food that are having to recall the product due to it causing kidney disease. thankfully, our discussion was 1) short, and 2) the girls only eat dry cat food so they are not in any immediate danger of developing kidney disease, which is fatal in cats. regardless, the bipolar freakazoid and i had a nice conversation, which is highly unusual for us. the deal of it is, some days she's super friendly and other days i'm public enemy number one. who gets it? not me.
• suzy q and i got along decently, with one almost genuine interaction. granted she was buttering me up like a thanksgiving turkey, but that's her standard modus operandi.
  
• i managed to get everything i needed to get done for the two projects due this week and our department director came by and asked if i wanted to help him with something later this week. i felt uncommonly good about that i might actually get to display independent, out-of-the-box thinking. and yes, all that positive thinking is freaky.
• the adorable one and i had a yummy lunch at a weekly favorite place that is usually packed to the gills, but was relaxingly quiet and peaceful. we always sit at the bar as we get in and out within an hour and we've gotten to know the barkeeps, one who is pregnant and not remotely hormonal toward us. whoa.
• oh, my blood glucose level has been very close to normal of late. granted in the morning they tend to be higher, but they are still inching toward the top limit of the normal level. imagine how good they could be if i really cut down on the carbs (like no brownie pie for dessert) and exercised, hell who knows?
• i was stuck in traffic for close to an hour coming home and didn't curse anyone once. believe it or not, it's true. really.
• our admin told me that one of my coworkers (a gal from russia) treated her and another vp like dirt, which proves other people do step in mud, with the potential of getting busted, which seems to happen to me, unintentionally and against my will on a regular basis.

all in all, a very bizarro day. luckily, "american idol" will be over shortly and then i can wrap up the latest nancy drew mystery and start the second book in the southern vampire series by charlaine harris.

A Trade Off

sundays have become harder for me, as i dread mondays more and more. part of it is the doubling workload, but probably to a larger part is suzy q, who regularly haunts my dreams, and the increasing realization that i'm a very peon in a vast ocean, with no shoreline in sight. if i sound directionless and bummed, well you have the general picture of downer me.

i'm also sleeping a lot more on the weekends as we have less and less planned, so i get bored. and with nothing to do or nothing to be motivated about, i just go to sleep. and yes, i get that this is a sign of depression. if i could simply shake myself out if it, believe me, i would. i'm not really sure how life can seem hopeless, but going to work every day feeling like a major drone is killing me from the inside out. i feel like i need and want more, and it's all out of reach.

so, some times i cheat. i know it will be hard to fall asleep on sunday nights because i've gotten at least ten hours of sleep the night before. last night was one of those trade offs. my right side was sore--not from doing any heavy work or labor, or even from laying around. i've got a very small kidney stone in my right kidney. i know this from the last time they did a cat scan when we thought i had a blockage and it turned out to be that my blood glucose level was so spiked that i was peeing all the time.

anyhoosa, long story short, my doctor understands there are times when, whether due to the stone shifting around or my bladder feeling intense pressure from a carb overload, that pain medication is a necessity. now, for those of you who haven't had a kidney stone, let me tell you--it is the most horrific pain you an imagine. only worse.

i had my first stone experience when i was 21 and by the time i had to pass a second one, i was well acquainted with the benefits of morphine. i think telling a doctor to just put you down like a horse will give you some idea of potentially bad it can be. fortunately, i've had limited stones since then--the last one was in 2004 when we got back from our honeymoon in mexico.

i knew i wouldn't be able to fall asleep with my right side feeling as sore as it did. so i cheated and took a couple of the pain pills, which i knew would make me drowsy. and it was a relief to surrender to sleep as abby settled on my shoulder, burrowing underneath the comforter for additional warmth.

and the trade off? my brain felt like glue all day. but i'll do it again, any time i think i need it, whether it's wrong or right.

Bet You Never Heard Of This Wondrous, Wonderful Show

so i don't know how i heard about "wonderfalls"--maybe it was the the thousand articles in entertainment weekly or tv guide, but we checked it out from the library last year and fell deeply in love. it's quirky, funny, smart, and anyone that talks to themself will relate exponentially.

i didn't need a reason to spend my entire day, sacked out on the couch under my red fleece blanket, watching all 13 episodes. but i did. and it was wonderful.

Any Way You Slice It

we made it through another week, despite the adorable one getting the flu last saturday. i have to give it to the man, as he soldiered through on nyquil and this new mucinex stuff we saw advertised adnaseum. damn, that stuff is expensive (a small bottle was $11), but worth it as fucking sudafed, dayquil, and tavist-d didn't do a darn. all i did was survive dealing with the ever-annoying suzy q. i seriously wish a meteor will fall on her. that would be great, so if anyone knows of stray meteors coming our way, let me know so i can whip out my laser gun and target the big ole rock towards that big ole eager beaver.

so back to reality because despite running a few errands this week--the grocery a few times, the library, we didn't do our usual stuff, so tonight i paid some bills (mortgage and home equity loan), am doing a couple loads of laundry, and we cleaned out the litterboxes. since i lost the bet (the adorable one wagered that i would get above a 3% raise and obviously he was right. again.), and he is quite the generous fellow, we clean the litterboxes together as it's my responsibility for the month. had i been the winner, there's a distinct possibility that my very schmutzy bathroom would be shiny clean.

so, the weekend seems to be off a decent start--the adorable one treated me to sushi and then we stopped off, i can't believe i'm saying this, at starbucks to pick up some baked goods. it's true, they have the best. i don't get how they have the most delicious stuff, but they do. have i mentioned my addiction to their blueberry coffee cake? yay, it's awesome. and now we're watching my jayhawks run circles around niagara's purple eagles. rock chalk baby!

not sure what else is planned, as originally our friends matt and amy were going to come over to our house for dinner, drinkies, interesting conversation, and maybe some board games. however, they both have the same icky bug that seems to be going around, so it looks like we'll be on our own, which is fine. we do alright until we get bored and then i'm a crabfest. huge surprise there.

for sure we'll do breakfast at our favorite spot and maybe check the compusa store closing--the adorable one would like a laptop, but am sure most of the good stuff has already been picked over. not sure what the weather is gonna be like, but we may venture south or east to do some bird watching.

in the meantime, i'm gonna grab some diet sunkist and switch the laundry. yay, i know, way exciting.

Nothing Says Friday Like Squish & Lots Of It

To The Untrained Eye, An Average Cat Toy

but a real expert knows cat crack when they see it, and hoo boy, this is the motherlode.

This Is What I'm Up Against

so i positively can't stand sheryl crow. never have liked her or her music. and i don't give a damn that she had breast cancer last year. if that makes me a really bad person so be it. now the adorable one? after one of her crappy revlon commercials came on during "ugly betty", he goes, "i know that you hate sheryl crow, but i'm secure in myself enough that she doesn't bother me. just thought you should know."

now what kind of loving spouse doesn't support me in my loathing of ole sheryl, who really resembles seriously weathered leather?

My Kind Of Robin Hood

Mystery Of The Week (#19!)

The Late Weekend Update

i get that it's tuesday and we're heading towards hump day, but i haven't felt compelled to write lately, so figured it would be a good way to get some words out. i'm in a small depressive funk (i get it--being depressed = being in a funk), and am sapped for anything interesting to write about. so here's the 4-1-1 on our weekend.

on friday night, we braved the crowds and had a decent dinner at bravo! when we got there the wait was an hour, but we scooted over to the seating area that is in front of the cooking line and enjoyed a good meal while everyone in the waiting area sat there like hungry bumps on the logs. and for choosing the seating in front of the cooking line, you automatically get free spinach & artichoke dip. and while i do like spinach & artichoke dip, it's not something i like to fill up on. especially when there's bread and flavored oil to enjoy.

so, saturday, we had breakfast at our favorite place and then the adorable one went with our friend matt to cabelas to buy a bunch of fishing stuff (lures, a boat motor stand, etc.). so, i did what i always dream of doing, and took a nice, long nap. by the time i dragged myself out of bed, we had enough time to grab a sandwich and then pick up our dear friends, dan and jan, to see "300", which was incredible and awesome.

i can totally see how it made $70m at the box office, as it was a great (true) story, had terrific action sequences, and it didn't hurt to have a bunch of guys essentially running around in their underwear with their perfect sixpacks on display. yum. still, no competition for the adorable one.

for dinnah, we ventured back to ted's montana grill, which was quite good on our first visit a few months ago, but on our second visit, our waiter treated us like dirt. hence, we had not been back. but we got our original server, owen, who is quite nice and took great care of us.

sunday was very lazy and low key as the adorable one had come down with the flu--the usual stuff, running a fever, achy, and lots of drainage and a hacking cough. so we caught up on all the "veronica mars" episodes that we recorded with our dvr. not a bad way to spend our day, as we did a couple loads of wash, stripped the bed, put on fresh sheets, and did some other chores. thankfully, the adorable one is slowly starting to feel better, so am hoping he'll back to his normal self, or at least closer to it, by the weekend.

so, that's the latest from princess superstar headquarters. wish there was more to say, but last week really kicked my ass from an emotional standpoint, and daylight saving time compounded the situation by making it hard as hell to get up in the morning. today already felt like thursday and we have another three days to survive.

and did i mention that i am not sure if i am going to apply for a more senior position in our group? yay, it's not that i am not interested or that i don't want to move up (damn, do i ever), but i don't get the feeling that i could get selected for the position. still, the fighter in me says "go for it girl." just wish it didn't feel like a struggle to put myself out there, you know?

Just What I Always Wanted: An Anti-Oxidant Tomato

The Movie Report

oh marky mark. looking hot. on the run from the big, bad government. need i say more? it's not out until march 23rd, so we have two weeks to drool over our favorite former calvin klein underwear model. dreamy!

we see this flick on saturday with our pals jan and dan, and we're quite intrigued after seeing trailers for what seems like six months. review forthcoming if it's as good as we hope it to be.

this was pretty funny, but not worth the $14 that we paid--would have been a good two-hour special on comedy central. still, a good mindless way to spend a coupla hours.

the performances (mark ruffalo, anthony edwards, jake gyllenhaal, robert downey jr., etc.) were terrific, but the subject matter is just not my cup 'o tea. natchurally, the adorable one loved it.

we had high hopes for the following two and they were big-time stinkers. thank god for the library, as if we had rented these from blockybuster, it would have been a massive waste of cashola.

Positively A Bucket Of Laughs

we've been watching lollipop head's new show on the foodnetwork, as giada visits a lot of places we're interested in like seattle, new york, san francisco, etc. the hilarious part is whenever giada bites into something that obviously tastes good she makes this major growling noise (wish i had a sound file, as it would be priceless, trust me) that is a gut-busting riot.

don't believe me? i dare ya to check out her show and make sure you have your legs crossed when you watch.

What I Think/Dream About When/If I Continue To Lose Weight

one of the things i've missed most is wearing jeans, as when i was at my heaviest (210+), i adopted two pairs of sport sweatpants. which i am thoroughly and totally sick of wearing on the weekends, as that's all i've allowed myself to have. i figure once the weight is off, it's going to be an incredible treat to purchase a couple pairs of levis. i'm partial to the cut below, but i have a high waist and i'm short (maybe the two go together?), so i'll have to find something flattering. hopefully that's possible.

then there's the issue of my intimates. i'm down with my hanes cotton skivvies, but due to being overweight the last three years, i've been wearing sports bras (sad and sorry, but true) as it was too embarrassing to go bra shopping at my size. so, i'm more than excited to have real bras again, some day. and by real bras, i mean like vicky's secret. yay, they cost a lot, but i think it's one of those things, like shoes, that it's worth it to spend the moola.

Welcome To Our Darling Nephew Benjamin

soon to be the second most-spoiled "little b" in our universe!

I Would Write More, But I'm Reading This

and we're newly addicted to this most fabulous series, which is sadly and most unjustly off the air.

Freaked About Nothing & Everything

i've been light on content lately, if it's not apparently obvious. i feel like i don't have much to write about, even though i got a pretty decent (okay 5%) raise, which is pretty surprising for a number of reasons. for starters, my raise last year (everything is based on performance appraisal ratings) was horribly rotten. seriously, i got dinged for stuff that i shouldn't have and as a result, i received 1.7%, which i gotta tell ya, is a real morale killer. but i turned things around (apparently and thank goodness) and was pleasantly rewarded. and i'm glad for that, i am.

it's also surprising because i work for a large, conservative company and getting a cost-of-living raise is considered top shelf. i'm sure this seems pathetic, but it's the reality of my world, especially since i'm a peon. so, i almost (yes, embarrassing) burst into tears on friday as i was so caught off guard. honestly, i expected like 2.2%, no joke.

and things are about to get even more interesting as the director of the department (my previous supervisor) is going to post two positions and emailed me that the listings should be available in our human resources system some time this week (or next). the catch is that the positions are not the next step in my job progression, but two steps up. i found it interesting that he emailed me and didn't copy my supervisor. i'm sure he's going to announce the two postings at tomorrow's weekly staff meeting or at the all-day team meeting (offsite, no less) on tuesday.

i feel like i should go for it, balls to the wall, like i said i would. i just feel like i'm not qualified. the really sad part is that after working in my group for over two years, i still don't really know what the next position necessarily entails as i've only helped with bits and pieces of projects, never really getting the overall picture of what they do. maybe i just need to ask more questions.

the adorable one thinks i was qualified from day one to do the work and probably he's right. i just have so much self doubt. part of it is leftover doubt from getting the boot from shitty krappy and worthless as well as the toxic waste dump. it would be easy to say, hey princess, it's been close to three years (the anniversary is coming up and yay, i'll mark it accordingly) since getting fired. i spent the next eight months wondering if our life would ever be okay, if our world would return to normal, with both of us working, our finances not in shambles, and not fearing that our debit card would be rejected.

the thing is, the adorable one was right all along. which i'm sure he loves hearing. he always said that things never stay the same. the thing is, when you're in the depths of despair, it seems like you'll be in the rut forever. it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even living with the world's best optimist. of course things got better. it would be a tragedy otherwise and i'm the pathetic sap that believes in the happy ending. i do, i really do.

i found the prince and i married him. we got the house we liked, even if we had to fill in the pool--the whole reason for buying the house. we have two adorable girls that we love to tears. we have the decent jobs that pay the bills and allow for lotsa sushi and cool vacations. for most that would be enough. for us, it's not.

i hate myself for thinking about work all weekend. for thinking about suzy q on my time off when i can't stand her. for being afraid to go for a position that i'm probably really qualified for. i just feel all jumbled and scared and nervous on the inside.

i just want to find a hole to hide in and yes, i get that isn't normal. i mean, there's no reason to be afraid to go to work. there's plenty to do, i get along fine with everyone (even the awful cabbage patch head and suzy q), but i can't quell the butterflies in my stomach when i think about the work week ahead. i hate wishing my life away, but i seriously can't wait for next weekend. and that freaks me out as i shouldn't be this unhappy. or nervous. or stressed.

so what the hell is wrong with me?

Super Damn Cool

made even better when you're with the person you like best in the world and that person loves astronomy as much as you do. next time, we'll know exactly where to go for observation and if it's not zero degrees outside with a wicked north wind, hell yeah we'll bring the telescope.

One Person's Average Blueberry Bagel, Another Gal's Kryptonite

Yay, It Was A Doozy

so when i got home last night, the sky was clear. no joke, not a cloud in the sky. then the adorable one and i ran a couple of errands and by the time we finished grocery shopping, this is what we saw. once again, i can't take credit for the photo (one day people, one day!), but it explains why we had a dark and very stormy night with lotsa rain, hail (you can't imagine how even the littlest pieces make a racket hitting the house), and a lightening show to rival fourth of july. lordy.

the killer part, other than the lack of sleep and migraine i had this morning, was the 40 degree temperature swing between yesterday (70 degrees) and today (high in the 30s). it's like being on a seesaw that you just want to hop off of except that you're stuck.

cool pic though, no?