Freaked About Nothing & Everything
i've been light on content lately, if it's not apparently obvious. i feel like i don't have much to write about, even though i got a pretty decent (okay 5%) raise, which is pretty surprising for a number of reasons. for starters, my raise last year (everything is based on performance appraisal ratings) was horribly rotten. seriously, i got dinged for stuff that i shouldn't have and as a result, i received 1.7%, which i gotta tell ya, is a real morale killer. but i turned things around (apparently and thank goodness) and was pleasantly rewarded. and i'm glad for that, i am.
it's also surprising because i work for a large, conservative company and getting a cost-of-living raise is considered top shelf. i'm sure this seems pathetic, but it's the reality of my world, especially since i'm a peon. so, i almost (yes, embarrassing) burst into tears on friday as i was so caught off guard. honestly, i expected like 2.2%, no joke.
and things are about to get even more interesting as the director of the department (my previous supervisor) is going to post two positions and emailed me that the listings should be available in our human resources system some time this week (or next). the catch is that the positions are not the next step in my job progression, but two steps up. i found it interesting that he emailed me and didn't copy my supervisor. i'm sure he's going to announce the two postings at tomorrow's weekly staff meeting or at the all-day team meeting (offsite, no less) on tuesday.
i feel like i should go for it, balls to the wall, like i said i would. i just feel like i'm not qualified. the really sad part is that after working in my group for over two years, i still don't really know what the next position necessarily entails as i've only helped with bits and pieces of projects, never really getting the overall picture of what they do. maybe i just need to ask more questions.
the adorable one thinks i was qualified from day one to do the work and probably he's right. i just have so much self doubt. part of it is leftover doubt from getting the boot from shitty krappy and worthless as well as the toxic waste dump. it would be easy to say, hey princess, it's been close to three years (the anniversary is coming up and yay, i'll mark it accordingly) since getting fired. i spent the next eight months wondering if our life would ever be okay, if our world would return to normal, with both of us working, our finances not in shambles, and not fearing that our debit card would be rejected.
the thing is, the adorable one was right all along. which i'm sure he loves hearing. he always said that things never stay the same. the thing is, when you're in the depths of despair, it seems like you'll be in the rut forever. it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even living with the world's best optimist. of course things got better. it would be a tragedy otherwise and i'm the pathetic sap that believes in the happy ending. i do, i really do.
i found the prince and i married him. we got the house we liked, even if we had to fill in the pool--the whole reason for buying the house. we have two adorable girls that we love to tears. we have the decent jobs that pay the bills and allow for lotsa sushi and cool vacations. for most that would be enough. for us, it's not.
i hate myself for thinking about work all weekend. for thinking about suzy q on my time off when i can't stand her. for being afraid to go for a position that i'm probably really qualified for. i just feel all jumbled and scared and nervous on the inside.
i just want to find a hole to hide in and yes, i get that isn't normal. i mean, there's no reason to be afraid to go to work. there's plenty to do, i get along fine with everyone (even the awful cabbage patch head and suzy q), but i can't quell the butterflies in my stomach when i think about the work week ahead. i hate wishing my life away, but i seriously can't wait for next weekend. and that freaks me out as i shouldn't be this unhappy. or nervous. or stressed.
so what the hell is wrong with me?
it's also surprising because i work for a large, conservative company and getting a cost-of-living raise is considered top shelf. i'm sure this seems pathetic, but it's the reality of my world, especially since i'm a peon. so, i almost (yes, embarrassing) burst into tears on friday as i was so caught off guard. honestly, i expected like 2.2%, no joke.
and things are about to get even more interesting as the director of the department (my previous supervisor) is going to post two positions and emailed me that the listings should be available in our human resources system some time this week (or next). the catch is that the positions are not the next step in my job progression, but two steps up. i found it interesting that he emailed me and didn't copy my supervisor. i'm sure he's going to announce the two postings at tomorrow's weekly staff meeting or at the all-day team meeting (offsite, no less) on tuesday.
i feel like i should go for it, balls to the wall, like i said i would. i just feel like i'm not qualified. the really sad part is that after working in my group for over two years, i still don't really know what the next position necessarily entails as i've only helped with bits and pieces of projects, never really getting the overall picture of what they do. maybe i just need to ask more questions.
the adorable one thinks i was qualified from day one to do the work and probably he's right. i just have so much self doubt. part of it is leftover doubt from getting the boot from shitty krappy and worthless as well as the toxic waste dump. it would be easy to say, hey princess, it's been close to three years (the anniversary is coming up and yay, i'll mark it accordingly) since getting fired. i spent the next eight months wondering if our life would ever be okay, if our world would return to normal, with both of us working, our finances not in shambles, and not fearing that our debit card would be rejected.
the thing is, the adorable one was right all along. which i'm sure he loves hearing. he always said that things never stay the same. the thing is, when you're in the depths of despair, it seems like you'll be in the rut forever. it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even living with the world's best optimist. of course things got better. it would be a tragedy otherwise and i'm the pathetic sap that believes in the happy ending. i do, i really do.
i found the prince and i married him. we got the house we liked, even if we had to fill in the pool--the whole reason for buying the house. we have two adorable girls that we love to tears. we have the decent jobs that pay the bills and allow for lotsa sushi and cool vacations. for most that would be enough. for us, it's not.
i hate myself for thinking about work all weekend. for thinking about suzy q on my time off when i can't stand her. for being afraid to go for a position that i'm probably really qualified for. i just feel all jumbled and scared and nervous on the inside.
i just want to find a hole to hide in and yes, i get that isn't normal. i mean, there's no reason to be afraid to go to work. there's plenty to do, i get along fine with everyone (even the awful cabbage patch head and suzy q), but i can't quell the butterflies in my stomach when i think about the work week ahead. i hate wishing my life away, but i seriously can't wait for next weekend. and that freaks me out as i shouldn't be this unhappy. or nervous. or stressed.
so what the hell is wrong with me?
posted by the princess at 3/04/2007
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