Back In I Go

the last couple of months have been a bit weird for me. i've chronicled some of the stuff in my blog. a lot more i discuss ad nauseam with the adorable one, who i imagine gets tired of it, but thankfully allows me to go on endlessly. i am forever grateful for him and for him allowing me to get all of my fears, paranoia, theories, gut instincts, etc. out. out of my chest. or my head. or most often that part that feels like the stomach, but is really our inner barometer--the one that knows the score.

two diametrically opposites have opted to leave our group--one was the proverbial square peg and the other, what i thought was a tried and true company man. the ideal soldier in that he was solidly good at his job and well respected by others. i may have mentioned it before, but i don't deal well with change. of really any kind. which i know is not an ideal trait or characteristic to have these days, as everything can change so quickly. and if you ever read any management book, it's forever saying that you have to be flexible, adaptable, etc.

my main problem is that i'm a paradox. while i don't like change, i don't want to remain in the less-than-fulfilling job i'm in. that kind of change i'm all about. but to get there, it's like an endless marathon that i don't know i'm up for. i would like to think that i am, but i'm not sure of myself any more. and i used to be, but i'm not. i lost that somewhere between getting fired from a couple of jobs--ones that i'm grateful to be gone from, but scars linger no matter how much time goes by.

sometimes and maybe more lately, i feel like things are moving in fast forward. people are leaving (not just coworkers, but friends), my sister is about to give birth to her second child, february is almost over, we're re-arranging our work space, and i think i feel like everything is kinda topsy-turvy.

last night i had a nightmare. a bad one. i dreamt that i was screaming at suzy q at the office, which was totally out of line and inappropriate. and i knew in the dream that i had crossed the line and there was no going back. that i was done for and done in. and no matter how much i apologized for losing my temper, it wouldn't change anything. of course it was a warning from my subconscious, that overactive piece of me i wish i could put on downers or tranquilize.

there's always parts of ourselves, the outside and the inside that we don't like. for a long time, maybe as long as i can remember, there are definite parts of me that seemed dark and horrible and in some ways, unforgiveable. i'm no criminal mind you, but i don't always feel like i'm the best person i can be. and that's hard when there's this other part of me that's always striving to be good, nice, kind, and decent. but i feel like the person that consistently falls short. i can't explain it any better than that.

but even though life seems swimmingly swell, i feel lost with myself. i'm afraid to make a mis-step. i feel, if there is such a word, un-confident. the reality is, no one can really instill confidence in you because in the end, it's just you trying to make it through every day. you can't teach confidence or read how to get it. you just have to have it. where mine has gone, well, i don't know. i don't even know if i can find it again. i would like to think i can, but i'm just not sure.

so, i've got to tread lightly, carefully, and quietly until i get my footing. it means a quieter me as i tend to withdraw into myself, like a turtle, when i'm scared. right now my shell seems like the safest place in the world, next to my bed. and as i can't take to my bed and hope that things will turn out alright for me, the shell is where you'll find me.