Hello, I Am SO Psyched To See You

I Like Green Stuff

the beginning of the week was a total crapfest to the point where i felt like maybe i should start looking for a new job. yesterday, in particular, i left the office feeling like i had a thousand-pound gorilla on my shoulders after having a meeting where a ton of grunt work was poured on me like hot lava with an extremely short turnaround schedule. major ick.

so it was quite nice to come home and find that we had received an unexpected (not huge) windfall that will cover the cost of our airline tickets for our may trip to key west. which aren't cheap, so this was an upswing. we deposited the check and if our federal income tax return comes this weekend, we'll be able to chop our credit card debt in half.

i feel, dare i say it, flush. i shouldn't, but i do. and after the shitball stuff i've had to stomach this week, i'll take it.

Finally, Another Good Book On CD

Can Someone Please Explain This To Us?

Back In I Go

the last couple of months have been a bit weird for me. i've chronicled some of the stuff in my blog. a lot more i discuss ad nauseam with the adorable one, who i imagine gets tired of it, but thankfully allows me to go on endlessly. i am forever grateful for him and for him allowing me to get all of my fears, paranoia, theories, gut instincts, etc. out. out of my chest. or my head. or most often that part that feels like the stomach, but is really our inner barometer--the one that knows the score.

two diametrically opposites have opted to leave our group--one was the proverbial square peg and the other, what i thought was a tried and true company man. the ideal soldier in that he was solidly good at his job and well respected by others. i may have mentioned it before, but i don't deal well with change. of really any kind. which i know is not an ideal trait or characteristic to have these days, as everything can change so quickly. and if you ever read any management book, it's forever saying that you have to be flexible, adaptable, etc.

my main problem is that i'm a paradox. while i don't like change, i don't want to remain in the less-than-fulfilling job i'm in. that kind of change i'm all about. but to get there, it's like an endless marathon that i don't know i'm up for. i would like to think that i am, but i'm not sure of myself any more. and i used to be, but i'm not. i lost that somewhere between getting fired from a couple of jobs--ones that i'm grateful to be gone from, but scars linger no matter how much time goes by.

sometimes and maybe more lately, i feel like things are moving in fast forward. people are leaving (not just coworkers, but friends), my sister is about to give birth to her second child, february is almost over, we're re-arranging our work space, and i think i feel like everything is kinda topsy-turvy.

last night i had a nightmare. a bad one. i dreamt that i was screaming at suzy q at the office, which was totally out of line and inappropriate. and i knew in the dream that i had crossed the line and there was no going back. that i was done for and done in. and no matter how much i apologized for losing my temper, it wouldn't change anything. of course it was a warning from my subconscious, that overactive piece of me i wish i could put on downers or tranquilize.

there's always parts of ourselves, the outside and the inside that we don't like. for a long time, maybe as long as i can remember, there are definite parts of me that seemed dark and horrible and in some ways, unforgiveable. i'm no criminal mind you, but i don't always feel like i'm the best person i can be. and that's hard when there's this other part of me that's always striving to be good, nice, kind, and decent. but i feel like the person that consistently falls short. i can't explain it any better than that.

but even though life seems swimmingly swell, i feel lost with myself. i'm afraid to make a mis-step. i feel, if there is such a word, un-confident. the reality is, no one can really instill confidence in you because in the end, it's just you trying to make it through every day. you can't teach confidence or read how to get it. you just have to have it. where mine has gone, well, i don't know. i don't even know if i can find it again. i would like to think i can, but i'm just not sure.

so, i've got to tread lightly, carefully, and quietly until i get my footing. it means a quieter me as i tend to withdraw into myself, like a turtle, when i'm scared. right now my shell seems like the safest place in the world, next to my bed. and as i can't take to my bed and hope that things will turn out alright for me, the shell is where you'll find me.

Even If You Don't Like Football, Holy Cow You Should Be Watching The Best Show On TV.

'cept it's on wednesday nights, 7:00 to 8:00 p.m. (cst) on nbc, which i know goes up against tv's juggernaut, "american idol." when i tell you it's worth it, believe me. i love "ugly betty" and enjoy "studio 60" (yes, i know, it's canceled), but this is simply a supreme show. get on the bandwagon now.

We Found Them: The World's Most Fabulous Cupcakes

granted this picture makes them look like a coupla boobs, but that's beside the point.

A Self Portrait . . . But For How Long?

so yes, i've been whining and complaining about getting nowhere in life of late. and that i feel like a turtle who is often afraid to stick her neck out. life seems easier tucked into my rock-solid shell. only the adorable one and maybe a few others know that i'm a giant mooshball on the inside. but a determined mooshball as i'm trying to take a more "the turtle wins the race" attitude, even if i don't always seem like it. especially in this blog.

but the winds of change are blowing and i might have to pick up the pace a bit. i know i've talked about how when i started in our group the other four had been together already for a few years and were tightly bonded. my supervisor (now the department director) and his three right hands doubled the size of our group within just a few years and along the way those trailblazers all got promotions. my manager became a director and the other three coworkers became managers, including my now supervisor.

today i learned that one of the horsemen is off to a new trail and his last day with us is next thursday. i'm in disbelief as i thought those four would be together, as silly as it sounds, until the end of time. i get that no one stays in jobs forever anymore. i've already had a gazillion jobs in the short 15 (yikes!) years since graduating from college, so rationally and logically i understand it.

emotionally i'm blown away. most selfishly as this potentially opens a door for me. it was one thing when our resident square peg took a position in a different group last month. our director opted not to fill the position and i've continued to plod along while being frustrated. but this is different. the horseman leaving next week has not one, but two product lines he supports and that regularly count on him.

so now our director has been painted into a corner and will post at least one position, but i'm hoping for two. because i already know of one person in another department that will apply and as she's been with the company for 30 freaking years they may just give it to her. no, she doesn't have an undergraduate or graduate degree. she hasn't worked on the type of projects that are essentially the understudy for the position like i have. but she was the front runner when they hired our square peg, who only got the job since the product line leader wanted him over the 30-year veteran.

regardless, if there is one, or two, or even three positions, the time for this little turtle is now. given the chance, i'm going for it balls to the walls. i will not be afraid or deterred or discouraged by others. and if i don't get a promotion, i will be massively bummed and depressed and wallow incessantly. but like the ever-resilient turtle, i'll stay the course.

because the finish line is out there somewhere. i just need to find it.

I'm Spinning With Deelight

so first off, this is not our ceiling fan, but i do like the design. anyhoosa, i'm a gal that grew up with ceiling fans and what i mean by that is that my parents installed them in our bedrooms, kitchen, dining room, office/study, etc. and we used them all the time--didn't matter the season, we usually had our fans on. yes, i know it sounds nutty, especially as we live in the midwest where the winters are not kind.

and you know how you tend to use things you grew up with? like some people only use tide detergent because that's what their parents used. or some people are partial to budweiser versus coors beer. it's just preferences. i mean, even when i lived in my awesomely non-airconditioned apartment for five years, i got by with ceiling fans. of course i installed them in the first house i bought (cute 1920s bungalow) and was happy that there was already one in place when the adorable one and i bought our current residence.

the best part is having one in your bedroom and sleeping with it on. all the time. to me, since i usually run hot anyway, i really like having what feels like a breeze when i'm in bed. it's the same thing when the weather is nice and sleeping with the windows open and the attic fan on. i love it, love it, love it. to me it's heavenly.

the adorable one, on the other hand, comes from a different ball of wax. for one, he's no fan of ceiling fans. he thinks they are okay in say a kitchen or even a bathroom. but he's never been all that whippy about the one that resides over our kickass bed. and he's even less enthused, if that is even possible, about sleeping with the windows open when the weather is decent. the boy grew up in a house where the windows were always closed--granted he spent formative years in vegas, so i get where the a/c would be on all the time. and as our girls like to scale the screens, being woken up at 3:00 a.m. if their claws are caught, makes one less inclined to have fresh air blowing in.

because i've learned that all relationships, especially the important ones involve compromise, i agreed that we should turn off the ceiling fan during the winter, because we sure as heck didn't need cool air blowing on us when even when the house was at 68 it felt cold (yes, i get it that i wrote that i usually run hot, which is true, but i run less hot, especially of late.).

so just imagine my surprise when it was his idea to turn on the ceiling fan the other night as he mentioned being all hot and sweaty (mind out of the gutters folks). he further complained that he was waking up due to the room being too warm. so back on went my beloved fan and all is right in the universe. or at least until we have the "let's sleep with the windows" open debate/throw down. luckily for the adorable one that's months off. razzlefrats.

She's Got A Point

i was reading city wendy the other day--i like her blog a lot because she usually makes me smile, strikes a chord, and i find her writing very enjoyable to read. one of her posts that resonated with me had to do with wondering when she turned old. while i'm a good eight years older than wendy, i've been wondering the same thing.

and it's not so much about the creaky bones. it's about how one's life gets into a predictable, and dare i say it, boring routine--where one day seems like the last, and you can say the same thing about the weeks and months that fly by in a blur.

i miss the saturdays of staying up past midnight, playing video games, watching skinomax, going to late-night movies, etc. which is why i was so pissed at us for going to bed at yes 9:00 p.m. this past saturday. granted we were bored after watching, why i don't know, an update on "dog: the bounty hunter." while we used to watch the show, it fell off our radar when better and more interesting programming caught our interest. but, i digress.

wendy talks about feeling crabbier, more responsible, and less tolerant of things that she used to accept with ease. the funny thing for me is that i'm probably as crabby as i've ever been, but it seems less to me a lot of the time. for example, i used to hate talking to anyone in the morning until i felt like it. but i don't have that luxury any more and i've learned that even if you don't feel chipper and cheerful, it's better to act like you do. i definitely feel more responsible--maybe because my life has evened out so much from the drama that used to occupy my early and mid 30s. and probably most of my 20s as well. i just didn't really mature until recently, or at least that's the way it feels to me. maybe the adorable one will argue that point, but it's hard to say.

the strangest piece is that i used to be highly critical and very intolerant. of a lot. and everything. maybe it's age. maybe it's mellowing. but a lot less stuff gets me wound up, freaked out, and stressed. somehow i let a ton more roll off my back, which really, i never thought would be my personality.

the thing that really got to me though was wendy's point about being ordinary. which is she is not. not by a long shot. but she brings up an issue that's been weighing heavily on me, and i think, the adorable one. we're heading, no, it feels more like hurtling, toward the big 4-0 with alarming speed. we're both in good, decent jobs. we both make decent (not great) salaries and have health coverage. we live in a nice house with two adorable kitties, have super friends, and terrific families.

and for most people that would probably be enough. for us it's not. i think we feel that to some degree life is passing us by. okay, i feel like that a lot of the time. part of it is that neither one of us is in a job that is fulfilling or particularly motivating. yes, we're both fortunate to work for good companies, for which we are grateful. and i get that i've written countless posts on this very topic.

it's just hard at the end of the day to look back and wonder what we really accomplished. another day another dollar? check. two to three hours spent in front of the boob tube in the evening? check. laundry put away? check.

so what's my bottom line? i get that routines, aging, and crabbiness are part of life. and i'm good with that. it's the unordinaryiness (is that even a word?) that i'm strugging with. because i'm not okay with being bland. or feeling like my life is boring (which is it).

the trick is to do something about it. and there, i'm a more than a little bit lost. which is the point, all along, that scares me the most.

Absolutely & Positively Delish

i had a glass of this yummy cab sav at dinner on friday and even at $13 a pop it was worth every drop.

Okay, But It's Weird To Me

i can say this with honesty--i've always been a gal with a sizable appetite. any reader of this fair blog knows of my gargantuan sweet tooth (it's genetic, i swear) and as noted, i regularly write about food. because i love it and find it interesting. not as interesting as say, the adorable one, but food is way up there on my priority and interest list. not that i have an "official" list, but i'm the type of person always obsessing about their next meal.

anyhoosa, i don't know if it's the glucophage or the general lack of interest in most things right now, but my appetite has gone on vacation. i'm not stressed or sad or in a funk. i'm just not that hungry. and it seems weird to me, it really does. the upside of course is that my clothes continue to be looser, which yes, is quite the sweet deal and no, i would never complain about such a positive development. not that i'm complaining about anything, because i'm not!

and i get that it probably seems like a small item of note and something i should be happy about--i mean, who doesn't want to eat less? especially a woman? but as strange as this sounds and as wrong as it may be healthwise, i miss being able to, even once in a great while, have a little ole pigout. or put it away. or stuff myself silly.

feel free to call me crazy. c'mon, i can take it. and oh yes, chocolate donations are also welcome.

Seeing Is Believing

so if you had told me on friday when it was snowing (again) like mad, 20 degrees, with icy road conditions:

that it would be 64 degrees on tuesday and all the snow would be gone:

i would have said, "oh yay? 'cuz we'll be be back to our regularly scheduled high temperature of 30 degrees next week and i'm still sick of winter."

I'm Spongebob. And You Are . . .?

the adorable one's mom sent me this, so do the quiz and see which cartoon character is your personality:

1. which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) candlelight dinner (4 points)
b) fun/theme park (2 points)
c) painting in the park (5 points)
d) rock concert (1 point)
e) going to the movies (3 points)

2. what is your favorite type of music?
a) rock and roll (2 points)
b) alternative (1 point)
c) soft rock (4 points)
d) country (5 points)
e) pop (3 points)

3. what type of movies do you prefer?
a) comedy (2 points)
b) horror (1 point)
c) musical (3 points)
d) romance (4 points)
e) documentary (5 points)

4. which one of these professions would you choose if you could:
a) waiter (4 points)
b) professional sports player (5 points)
c) teacher (3 points)
d) police (2 points)
e) cashier (1 point)

5. what do you do with your spare time?
a) exercise (5 points)
b) read (4 points)
c) watch television (2 points)
d) listen to music (1 point)
e) sleep (3 points)

6. which one of the following colors do you like the best?
a) yellow (1 point)
b) white (5 points)
c) sky blue (3 points)
d) dark blue (2 points)
e) red points (4 points)

7. what do you prefer to eat?
a) snow (3 points)
b) pizza (2 points)
c) sushi (1 point)
d) pasta (4 points)
e) salad (5 points)

8. what is your favorite holiday?
a) halloween (1 point)
b) christmas (3 points)
c) new year (2 points)
d) valentine's day (4 points)
e) thanksgiving (5 points)

9. if you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) paris (4 points)
b) spain (5 points)
c) las vegas (1 point)
d) hawaii (4 points)
e) hollywood (3 points)

10. with which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) someone smart (5 points)
b) someone attractive (2 points)
c) someone who likes to party (1 point)
d) someone who likes to have fun (3 points)
e) someone very sentimental (4 points)

now add up your points and find the answer you've been waiting for!

(10 to 16 points) you are garfield:
you are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun, but sometimes you take it to extremes. you always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean you always have to do what is right. try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17 to 23 points) you are snoopy:
you are fun, very cool, and popular. you always know what is in and you are never out of style. you are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. you have probably disappeared for a few days more than once, but you always come home with the family values that you learned. being married and having children are important to you, but only after you've had your share of fun times.

(24 to 28 points) you are elmo:
you have lots of friends and are also very popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. you are very optimistic and always see the bright side of things. some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29 to 35 points) you are spongebob squarepants:
you are the classic person everyone loves. you are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. you never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. stay away from traitors and jealous people and you will be stress free.

(36 to 43 points) you are charlie brown:
you are tender, you fall in love quickly and you are also very serious about all relationships. you are a family person. you call your mom every sunday. you have many friends and occasionally forget a few birthdays. don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44 to 50 points) you are dexter:
you are smart and definitely a thinker . . . every situation is fronted with a plan. you have a brilliant mind. you demonstrate very strong family principles. you maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes up. try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up with spontaneity.

Newsflash

my hair feels like:

my skin feels like:


and i would like more of this:

One Big (Bald) Cry For Help

Creamy . . . Coconutty . . . And It Works

Vacation Planning For 2008: Bermuda Baby!

You Could Poke Your Eye Out

A Resolution Worth Keeping

when i started working at the company a couple years ago i checked my work email every evening and weekend. i felt like i was being a dedicated, responsive employee, which is a good thing. but also expected as my coworkers (including my supervisor who may be a scary robot) work close to around the clock. and i'm not exaggerating this as i have the emails time-stamped to prove it.

because i feel like i'm stuck in a rut there, like i have no chance for a promotion, i've decided that i am no longer going to check my email in my off time. maybe it sounds like a little thing, but if you knew how addicted i was to being connected and giving the impression that i'm responsive, plugged in, and working in the sense of answering emails, you would realize this is a tough resolution for me.

but it's a good thing because life is short and we only go around once. and i don't want to look back with regret on all the evenings and weekends that i spent responding to messages versus enjoying my time with the adorable one and our girls.

footnote: i drafted this post last night (really) and as it happened this morning i was ready yesterday's issue of "the wall street journal," which featured (on the front page no less) an article titled "deleting the habit: how email junkies do in withdrawal", which was about people who are trying to cut back on checking email in their off time. is that karma or what?

We're Taking One Of These

so we can stay here for about a week

why isn't it the end of may yet?

A Seriously Fabulously Fun Time Waster

so the adorable one's mom sent me a link to flixster, which features this absolutely addictive and fun thing called the "never-ending movie quiz." just register with the site, click the "fun stuff" tab, and click on the quiz link. amazingly, once you start it's near impossible to tear yourself from answering the questions. just don't say you weren't warned!

Happy VDay To My Cute Bug (And Yes, I'm That Drippy)

aren't ya glad we don't have to put up with any more stupid ass commercials for another 11 months? personally, i don't know how many more ads i could suffer through (i'm talking to you kay's jewelers!) trying to guilt the hell out of poor sappy suckers to part with their hard-earned moola on uninspired, unoriginal, and tasteless jewelry.

but in all seriousness, i love you adorable one.

Odds, Ends, & More Of The White Stuff

in news of the important, i'm on #17 of the nancy drew mysteries. i just wish i was half as resourceful and persistent as the teen sleuth.

and this is a decent flick and can be checked out from your local library. where you can also check out the fabulous above-mentioned drew mystery (plus the other 55 in the series).

And He Makes DAMN Good Rigatoni

I'm Trying To Kicking It To The Curb

my funk that is. i've been a whiny, crabby, pissy chick for the past week and i'll own up to it. the adorable one can attest to it. mostly because i've been frustrated with my work situation, which when i think about it rationally--that is, i realize that i have a decent/okay job, with a halfway decent/halfway okay salary, and work for a good company, it makes me realize that i'm being a big baby. i think about people who have it really tough--people that work two or three jobs, just to break even. and when i put it in that perspective, i've got nothing to gripe about because my life is good. damn good in fact.

it's this mature attitude, this less "i'm the center of the universe. i'm the only one suffering" is what surprises me. oh, i'm not above realizing that i'm still quite the silly, selfish, and shallow girl that i've always been. i'm just less of those adjectives. which goes against my theory that people can change, because i've always adhered that people are pretty much as they seem--for the most part, but there are exceptions (suzy q, for example).

yay, it tears me up that my would-be fair boss, who has been a huge support in the past few years, seems to favor the notre dame princess. i don't really get it, but i hear them talking all the time and she regularly stops to hang out in his office. maybe she's just a better ass kisser. my work twin thinks that's the case. i just feel like a gigantic bowl of chopped liver next the suzy superstar. and it's hard. because i've been the shiny star for a longer time and now i feel like the redheaded stepchild. sucky, very sucky.

still, i'm trying. trying to kick the blues. i'm trying to just focus on doing quality work. trying not to react when things piss me off.

and i wish i could just be a robot. and go to work and not care. not care about some of the shitty things people say and do. but as the adorable one says, "hell is other people." and as reminded daily, i'm married to one super smart fella.

so send the positive vibes my way and with any luck, i'll be back to my happy go lucky self soon. in the mean time, please bear with the crankyfest that is me.

It Would Be Too Weird

to brush my teeth without the faucet running. seriously, i've tried to be good. i've tried to brush without the comfort of the the tap running. but it's no use. no use at all it tell you.

and in other news, i don't think i can get any more boring.

Here Comes The Light

i didn't take this picture as i may have mentioned before that i'm a lousy photography (sad, but true), but i think of images like this every day. i think because i rarely see the sunrise. i could complain, but the trade off is that most days i skip out of the office around 4:00 p.m.

but as the sky begins to lighten, even at 6:30 a.m., i find myself wanting to see the sun come up. i catch glimpses of it, every day, through various windows. and maybe it's because we're in a hard part of winter. the part where it seems like spring is still months off. where even though it's lighter a wee bit later, it doesn't seem like enough makes it to my face.

maybe that's why i crave seeing the streaks across the sky, the sun peeking over the horizon, and the light, the glorious light warming my cold bones.

True Love

Outta Gas

yesterday was one of those really long days where 4:00 p.m. couldn't roll around fast enough. it wasn't a tough day in the sense that i had a thousand things going on. quite the opposite--the one project that was due came together much better and faster than expected, which is always a plus.

the hard part was eating lunch at my desk for what felt like the nth day in a row, as the adorable one has been in training all week and my work twin was on vacation. sadly, i have no other people to eat lunch with, which is the only real break in my day. so by choosing to eating in my matchbox, my day seemed a thousand hours longer.

plus the work was extremely boring and tedious, and coupled with a migraine, it was literally one of those times where it felt like an hour had past and in reality, it was five minutes. the straw for me was when i thought the adorable one and i would go for an early sushi dinner at our favorite place, only to find out that it didn't open when we got off of work (we would have waited another 30 minutes at least), and in the super cold weather, with the pounding headache, we just went home.

which was fine as the adorable one made these totally delish egg and ham sammiches on english muffins. super yum! of course, i decided to take a second tylenol pm as the jackhammer behind my right eyeball hadn't ceased, so by 7:00 p.m., i called it a day. i had nothing left and was running on fumes. so, i kissed the adorable one goodnight and crashed.

it's been a while since i've run out of gas from an energy standpoint, but the tank was empty and the siren of the bed was too strong to resist. i sure as fuck hope this is not a recurring friday night theme, because it would suck rocks.

the real question, other than sleeping ten hours, is how to refill the tank.

Fleeting?

there are moments when my life feels positively perfect. tonight, we had a yummy dinner of fab burgers and fries at the westport flea market, followed by picking up cat food and treats, grocery shopping, and a stop at our library. and then there was the moment, the one where we were leaving the grubstore after getting a couple pieces of blueberry crumble cake from the starbucks (for free with a gift card) and walking out to the car, where i thought, "i like my life. my life is good."

i think it has more to do with the prestige of the blueberry crumble cake, but i'll take it.

Yikers

Shacklesville

i'm not sure where i'm going with this post, so bear with me as if i ramble and meander. i've been out of school about 15 years and in that time i've worked for small, medium, and large companies. the one i work for now is global and has about 8,500 employees. the reason i mention this is that i consider it a big company even though we don't have tens of thousands of staff.

anyhoosa, maybe it's the time of the year. maybe it's the deep freeze it seems like we're in, which is contrary to the past few years when the weather has been downright mild. i'm not really sure. but as we get closer to the weekend, people start saying things like, "friday can't get here soon enough" and once monday hits, there's the constant lament that "the weekend was too short." i know, i know--i'm not telling or sharing anything you haven't heard before.

the thing is, and i realized this the other day (remember, i'm s-l-o-w), but my life isn't really my own. i belong to the company i work for. the only real time i have is the weekends and the evenings. the rest of my life, the stuff i work on and do, is dictated by others. and while there are aspects of my job i do like, a lot of days i do a lot of tedious, monotonous work. and i feel every bit the lowly peon that i am.

and yes, i get an okay salary. i actually make less than the adorable one, even though i have both my undergraduate and graduate degrees. not that it matters, as it all goes into the same pot. it's just the principal of the matter for me. but we do alright for double-income, no kids (dinks).

but the more i make the mistake of reading crack weekly, or people (online), i see all these people that aren't shackled to a regular routine or schedule. maybe it's me. maybe i buy into the hype that all celebrities do is shop, eat out, vacation, etc. and it's not that i want to be famous or a celebrity or any of that.

i just want more time that belongs to me. but i don't think that's the case. i think the hard reality that i get two weeks of vacation a year has finally and sadly sunk in. don't ask me why i just figured this all out. i think i always had more to look forward to, or more going on in my life, or more of something.

but i feel like i'm stuck in a job that has no future, that the company i work for owns me, and that there is less and less time for me. what's a girl to do? that's what i want to know.

Sinfully Shallow & Vapid . . . Perfect For Driving To And From Work

The Bet

last year i got a lousy raise due to getting dinged on my performance review for stuff that really (and truly) wasn't my fault. trust me, if i fuck up, i'm the first one to own up to it. so, it was a demoralizing experience, especially since my raise was less than 2%. now, working for a global company you can't expect decent raises unless you're in the shiny star level, which i'm not (yet). i'm like in the "b" category, which according to my department director, is what 85% of our company falls into. i'm not sure if that is supposed to make me feel better or not.

anyhoosa, being the perpetual pessimist, i made a bet with the adorable one (the eternal optimist) that my raise would be less than 3%. if i win, the adorable one has to clean my bathroom for a month. if i lose, i have to clean the girl's litterboxes for a month.

raises won't be issued until some time next month, so we'll see who will be hauling dookie to the curb or scrubbing soap scum. my money's on me. but deep down, i wish it wasn't.

I Don't Know Who Cha Cha Is, But She/He Has A Damn Yummy Chili Recipe

i didn't take the above photograph (obviously because it turned out decent), so that's not my bowl, but my chili did turn out exactly like the picture, was super easy to make, and tasted delish. and it's quick. so for those reasons, i share with you the following recipe, which can also be found on the allrecipes website.

white chicken chili

1 tablespoon vegetable oil (i used olive oil--see, i'm already changing it up.)
1 onion chopped (i use a half and it works just fine. again, i can't stick to a recipe, sad.)
3 cloves garlic, crushed (i use more and do a fine dice)
1 four-ounce can diced jalapeno peppers (i never use these--super yuck!)
1 four-ounce can chopped green chile peppers (again, i never use these)
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
2 (14.5 ounce) cans of chicken broth
3 cups chopped chicken breast (we use a store-bought rotisserie chicken, so much easier and tastier)
3 (15 ounce) cans of white beans
1 cup of shredded Monterrey Jack cheese

directions

1. heat the oil (olive if you please!) in a large saucepan over medium-low heat. slowly cook and stir the onion until tender (maybe five minutes). mix in the garlic, jalapeno and green chile peppers (only if you use them), cumin, oregano, and cayenne pepper. after a couple of minutes, add the chicken stock, cooked chicken, and white beans. simmer 20 to 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

2. remove the mixture from the heat. slowly stir in the monterrey jack cheese until melted and serve warm.

The Monday Blahs

you know what it's like to go on vacation and come back to work and you just can't get back into the groove? your brain tries to re-engage, but it's like a motor that just won't overturn. that's what today felt like. for the past four weeks, my mondays have been a blur--meetings, piles of work, you get the picture.

today was different. i didn't feel jazzed about going to work. part of it was that my supervisor who was previously parked in the cube next to me, moved to an office, and suzy q took over his cube, which by the way, is bigger than mine. where's the justice? if our cubes weren't getting re-built to be all one size, i would seriously lodge a complaint, as my work twin, is in an even smaller matchbox than myself.

so, for whatever reason, i feel isolated as having suzy on one side of me feels like an invasion of my space. and even though i have projects to work on, nothing was due today so i felt like i just piddled and frittered my day away. being a super productive person most of the time, i feel positively icky when i feel like i'm spinning my wheels.

and it wasn't a good thing that i had both the peppermint bark and a cup of hot chocolate (damn you williams-sonoma!) when i got home. but i justified (internally of course) that i needed a pick-me-up. in reality, a good 30 minutes or so at the gym would have done wonders. problem is, the call of my pajamas is much stronger (damn you pajamas!).

i get that according to stephen covey, we're supposed to create our own weather--that is, no matter what's going on in your life, our outside, or whatever, you can choose how you feel and how you project your attitude. i just can't do that 100 percent of the time. i try to keep up the happy facade, but i wasn't able to do it today. just seemed like too much effort. and that's okay, because i'm no scary robot.

i'm just a gal tired of winter, the gray, and the blahs. know any cures?

Crack Part II: It's The Devil's Work I Tell You

It's Crack I Tell You, It's Crack

Damn, I Forgot How Good Jennifer Hudson Can Sing

A Reckoning Of Sorts

i'm always surprised when things work out in ways you don't expect. for example, for the past five weeks, ole suzy q has been a condescending, bossy, snotty, know-it-all. saying that she's been tough to take is putting it lightly--she was intolerable and very few people reach that status with me.

as luck would have it, suzy q did a wonderful job of not only annoying me, but my work twin, and another trusted coworker. in our misery, us three musketeers had a common foe. and while i didn't have any faith that things would change, i probably should have known better.

because my super smart supervisor doesn't miss anything and realized that things were heading downhill fast. so as part of our goals and career path discussions, he quizzed us three on the state of the nation, how things were going, etc. and while we all had separate conversations, we all said the exact same thing. i think we were all at that point where we were about to snap, which may explain why we were blunt, to the point where i said, "hey, i'll be professional all day long to suzy. but personally, i hate her." i don't know how i got away with that one, except that my work and dare i say it, character speak for themselves. all that effort to ensure i was consistent in behavior and actions has paid off.

so that afternoon i noticed a bit of a change in ole suzy. it wasn't something amazing or significant--just a little shift. for starters, there was less contact with suzy, which helped immensely. as i can't stand the daddy's girl, the last thing i want to do is hear about how she spends her weekends with her notre dame gal pals. probably the most telling was a subtle change in how she was approaching my work twin and her tone with me.

i'm not entirely confident that miss muffin can make the type of course alterations needed to right the ship. and i'm not sure i even want her to, as i still don't get what she is doing at our company, as we were told that she led project teams at target. if that was the case, why come to our company and start at the bottom of the ladder if she was on the executive track? sounds mighty fishy to me.

bottom line is that i don't have to like her. i just have to be able to work with her. and while the first shot has been fired off the bow, the battle is far from over. then again, it might be easier now that she's reckoned with us.

What's In An Ear?

so, we took the girls to their ear appointment on monday (yes, i realize this is a belated post, apologies) with the ear/throat/nose specialist at the nearby expensive veterinary hospital. the good news is that the vet is cautiously optimistic that our girls do not have polyps growing behind their ear drums. he couldn't tell for sure and we have to take them back in eight weeks for a re-check, but after scoping both sets of ears on the girls, taking pictures of said ears, there was nothing definitive to prove that there are polyps. and even if there were polyps, apparently they can be removed with a minimum of muss and fuss. and i guess they aren't malignant (thank god!).

the bad news? abby pooped in the carrier on the way home and phew!, it was a serious stinkfest in the car. guess she and her farty little sister really do take after their dad. guess it's good they inherited my fab looks, no?

Chilling

when the red line on the thermometer below starts its massive plunge downward this weekend:

it's gonna feel like we're living in one of these:

This Should Be My Standard Work Uniform