Once Again, VDay Is Setting Up Real Nice

so i attended a work function on monday where people in our division were recognized for successful projects. as it happened, the roll of the dice went my way (as it did last year, as well) and i got a very nice and nifty framed certificate for my efforts and a $50 amazon gift certificate. the adorable one, being ever-so-adorable, ordered the tommy watch (mine is the fabulous blue version below, which is no longer featured on amazon for some freaky, weird reason.). i've had my eye on for what feels like forever (okay, i get it, i'm shallow.). so, it's scheduled to arrive around valentine's day, the most made-up holiday where the greeting card, candy, and flower industries reap the reward of saps everywhere shilling out their hard-earned bucks to express their love. but i'm not cynical or anything. cuz i have my watch! my gorgeous, lovely watch!

and as an extra bonus treat, the adorable one suggested we forgo the usual vday gifts to each other (last year he splurged on a nano for me and yes, it rocks!), and instead have a romantic dinner at our favorite restaurant. yup, my favorite super fake holiday is shaping up splendidly. bring on the steak baby!

I Was Gonna Be Gross

and write about how i feel like a stuck pig when it's that time of the month, but i decided to refrain. oops, the cat is out of the bag! i still feel gross. but the brownies i baked after dinner did satisfy my sweet tooth. the adorable one wasn't complaining either. like he would. duh!

I Must Be A Cavewoman

because according to eager beaver on crack, suzy q, i'm not even qualified to set up an ancient projector. yes, it was just my luck that i had to train her (ugh!) and my work twin on a type of technology we use for linking files to an intranet site. it's nothing tough or difficult--just tedious. anyway, our admin reserved the only projector available, one i've used many times. unfortunately, it's on its last leg, the light is dim, and just doesn't project the image very well. our usual one is in the shop, so i had to make due.

naturally suzy q knows more about antiquated projectors than little ole me. her first question was, "is that in focus?" when i repeatedly explained that i had adjusted the lens several times to ensure it was as clear as possible and that the projector had limitations. like, it was old. not rocket science, right?

well, little miss expert fiddled with it and guess what? it didn't get any better. surprise! guess us cavewomen know a thing or two. even about outdated audiovisual equipment.

I Got My Wish, So Why Do I Feel So Bad?

my sister, who is less than two months away from giving birth to her second son, talks with me on a weekly basis. now, most of the time it's like being grilled by a reporter as she fires questions off before i can get a sentence finished, but that's besides the point. heather is a real sweetheart and while i do get along with her husband (dave), my parents hate him. and have so for as long as heather and dave have been together, which is 17 years. half her life, true story.

now, we haven't seen heather, dave, and brandon (we call him little b) for a couple years now. they were supposed to come in october, but it didn't work out. we understood, but my parents (god love them), didn't take it as well. and when my folks went to visit in december, it was a disaster as my dad loves to egg on dave and my parents are not respectful of being in their home. maybe i'm more of a bitch because my parents know better than to pull the kind of crap they do at heather's house. for example, i don't give a rat's ass if they like iceberg or romaine lettuce (their personal preference), radishes (yuck), or tomatoes (yum) in the salad we serve. sorry, if we make a salad, it's gonna have stuff we like. my dad, on the other hand, pointed out to my sister that because her salad didn't have radishes and tomatoes, it was substandard. now, who in their right mind says that kind of stupid shit? it's a fucking salad.

nor would i put up with my mom interfering with my marriage like she does with my sister's. i simply wouldn't tolerate it and our relationship would be finished. and i do mean that. i would walk away from them and i think they know that. hence, they thankfully keep the button pushing to a minimum.

so when we announced that we were going to visit my sister's family the first weekend of april, roughly three weeks after the birth of the new baby, we figured it would be the perfect time as the adorable one had the day off (good friday) and i would take a day of vacation, and we would have them to ourselves. because when it comes to the new baby, i'll admit it, i'm gonna monopolize it. i want to hold it, give it bathes, sing to it, read it stories (i don't care if it hasn't a clue), etc.

yes, yes, yes, i admit i'm not a kid lover. but i do love to hold the occasional baby. not every day. not often. but once in awhile. i used to love holding brandon. singing to him. carrying him around. i loved it, positively. anyway, a few weeks ago my mom asked us while we were having lunch with them if we would mind if they came up with us for the visit.

now, i don't like being put on the spot. what could i say without looking like possessive, immature, and selfish? absolutely nothing. so i played it off like it was no big deal. except it irked me. enough to write a post about it. naturally, i ratted out my parent's plan to my sister, as my mom had no intention of telling her that they were bumming a ride with us and horning in on the visit. i found this especially irritating as my parents are retired and can visit any time. all we have, unless we want to drive and fly up more often, which we really can't afford as other trips are planned for this year, is that weekend. of course, we hope heather's family will come this summer and possibly over the holidays. but that's up to them.

anyway, long story short, my sister, showing serious balls and a backbone, took matters into her own hands and pretty much told my mom that she didn't think it was right that my parents were trying to come up the same weekend as us. and that our focus for that weekend was just to be together, not to have some big ass seder, which supposedly is the reason my mom wanted to come up. whatever. she has her whole family in st. louis for that crazy nonsense. i'm not one for circus productions and that's what that brood lives for. which is why i take after, even in looks, my dad's side of the family.

so now the weekend is ours again. and i'm glad for it. but there's definitely a part of me that feels bad. and i don't know where that part came from. as previously it wasn't there. it didn't exist and i don't even have a clue where it came from. but it feels awful, like i'm not being the bigger person about the whole situation, as i think it would mean a lot to my mom, especially, for us to be together.

so i'm in a quandary. if i ask my sister to change her position, i will also have to set ground rules for my parents. and i don't know if i can do that. because the reality is, my parents are going to do what they want to do. and that could wreck the weekend.

hence getting my way never felt so crummy. or confusing.

A Life Changing Song I Heard On "Scrubs"

admittedly, i'm a bit of a melodrama at times so bear with me. i'd like to think like most people that certain songs really speak to them. i found such a song while watching a recent episode of "scrubs" (probably one of our favorite shows of all time) that i couldn't shake.

and as weird as this is gonna sound, and i don't know if people are like this, but if i like a song, i'll listen to it over and over and over. the polyphonic spree's "light & day / reach for the sun" is such a song. one that actually makes me feel better.

when i figure out how to post the song (like will does all the time), i'll provide the file. if you're really curious, email me and i'll send it to you. i may be losing it, but this is the kind of song i can see myself listening to as i slog away on a treadmill. and feel good. if that's not life changing, i'm not sure what is.

What Is It

about getting laundry done that feels like the biggest accomplishment? and no, those are not our laundry baskets, unfortunately. we have the traditional super-cheap plastic kind. another telltale sign is that i never learned how to fold a shirt like the blue/teal one on the right side. the baskets above scream "martha stewart perfect!", don't they?

the hilarious thing about our laundry is that we do like two loads a week. we just don't have that much stuff, other than the usual once-a-week standards (sheets, towels, skivvies, etc.) that needs washing. regardless, when everything is clean, smelling good, and put away, i feel like wonder woman and that's what it's all about, right?

and yes, you can tell i'm getting old when i find that getting laundry done feels like a major accomplishment. or that i even find laundry interesting enough to write about. probably more than once. lord have mercy people!

State Of The Union

i meant to write about all the crap, stress, and other junk that transpired last week. problem was, i was too whipped to do anything but curl up on the couch, whine endlessly to the adorable one, and lament the sad state of what used to be an enjoyable work experience.

everyone has a bad day, even a bad week, from time to time. i'm sure some folks go through bad months, because we did when i was unemployed a few years ago for eight months. that was hellish to be sure and i'm glad that experience is far behind us.

anyhoosa (as you can read, i easily digress--seriously, it's like i have writer's attention deficit disorder), last week was one of those perfect storms where the combination of the ever-annoying suzy q collided with the supreme aggravation and frustration that is performance appraisals.

i don't really get suzy. i just don't. the girl is 24. she lives at home with mommy and daddy (who took her, in her gray fur coat) to lunch (we happened to be at the same place--awkward!). i'm not even sure she owns a car--i think she may just drive one of her parent's cadillacs. she has the biggest, whopping engagement ring from her fiance that is in grad school. he must also come from the world of daddy warbucks.

she has all the would-be intelligent males in our group completely wrapped around her finger. for example, one of the most grouchy and least approachable guys on our team was actually overheard telling someone, "yay, she's as sharp as a tack." right. the rest of us are what? chopped liver? sure as hell feels like that. even my supervisor, who is off-the-chart bright is snowed by her.

worse thing is, suzy is hell bent on finding inconsistencies in anything we do. which would be okay, except that she takes it to an extreme--it's like she takes personal satisfaction in pointing out where others make mistakes. jeez sister, take some valium.

the thing is, it would be easier if i could just like her. but i don't. you know how you don't click with certain people, no matter what you do or say? she's just too over eager. i feel worse for my work twin, who even though was hired as the first choice when we were only looking to fill one position, is constantly having to fend off suzy and enforce that it's not suzy's job to boss her around. and if we have to hear one more time that she went to notre dame, me or the twin is gonna cause her bodily harm. enough already.

truthfully, the only thing saving me is my work twin, who as we spend more lunch time together, the more we find in common. not only do we have similar spouses, we both love cooking, photography, movies, etc. and even though she's a lot more mellow than me, our life philosophies are very similar. hence, the twin reference.

the weird piece of this equation is that i can actually see suzy q's perspective. here she is--brand spanking new to our company, fresh off leading teams at target (on the executive track, reportedly), and she's hired to do a job in which she has no applicable experience. the other two more seasoned staff, who are also considerably older (myself especially, as i'm 14 years her senior. lordy!), seem to be the best of friends and although not obviously, are quite aligned against her. and no matter how she tries to ingratiate herself, we hold her at arm's length. making matters considerably worse for me is that she is moving into the cube previously occupied by my supervisor (who is moving into the office that suzy has been inhabiting due to space constraints), which is right next to me. i can only pray that she is not constantly over in my cube bothering me as i know my patience has limits.

strangely, for a couple of days last week i thought someone had let the cat out of the bag and told her that i can't stand her. it was almost like being on vacation. sad, right? but true. anyway, then i had my performance appraisal, which from the year prior improved considerably. i mean, i seriously concentrated on improving how i handled interpersonal relationships, not reacting to certain situations, and all the other constructive critiques that i focused to correct.

and i had been told both by my supervisor and our department director (my previous supervisor) that they had received all kinds of positive feedback and that i had made major, major strides from last year. so i'm thinking that would have been reflected in my review. i expected to go from essentially being rated a "c" to an "a", and instead i was rated a "b." now, i get that this probably doesn't sound like a big deal. but it is. because i busted my ass to really prove that i can make positive changes.

and my department director, who provided the review since he was my supervisor for most of the year, mentioned that the rating that i was given is the one that 85% of our company received. there's like five percent that are in the lowest category and maybe 10% (my supervisor and director) that are in the top, shiny star level. and that there is a big difference between the rating from last year, which was like a "b-", and what i received this year, which was a "b." next year's review will probably be a "b+" because like promotions, there are no fast leaps at our company.

i think, also, with the addition of suzy q, it's a reminder that i've been doing the type of job since i got out of college close to 15 years ago. and that because i had to take this job as a serious step backward, it's taking a very long time to get to where i should be. make sense?

and nope, i'm not exactly the most patient person. so, i constantly feel like i'm far behind in my career track, like i'm a lowly peon, and that i'm never gonna get to where i want to be. all of that frustration, balled with suzy q, and the review, well i lost a lot of sleep and actually shed some tears (at the office, in front of my supervisor no less).

i'm sure you're waiting for the happy ending. well, because i had that heart-to-heart talk with my supervisor, he has a better understanding of where i was coming from and the importance of my moving forward in my career. and i recognized and accepted that my review was nothing to be ashamed of or upset about.

as for suzy? i can only hope that she trips herself up. big time. and that it's abundantly obvious she's not the second coming of christ like my supervisor thinks she is. otherwise, as co-leaders of the "not so chopped liver club" (a.k.a. nsclc), my twin and i are going to have to develop hardcore coping strategies.

This Guy Seriously Kicks Ass

honestly, i can only dream of being that good someday at my job. then again, the man is living his passion and i'm not sure where i'm headed career-wise. just hope it's not impossible to get there.

My New Totem & Hopefully Life Philosophy

remember who won the race? here's to keeping my eyes fixed firmly on the horizon and enjoying the journey to the finish line.

We're Intrigued

I'm Thinking I Need More Drinking

the adorable one took this pic of the very yummy prickly pear margarita when we went to san antonio for a weekend, as his company was footing the bill around this time last year. since then, i have searched for a comparable drink and have yet to find it. if i did, i think i would imbibe daily just based on the crapshit week i've had so far. and yes, it's only tuesday.

i get why people come home and have a glass of wine or two, or a couple martinis. for sure it takes the edge off. and no, for the record all i had tonight was lemonade and it was gooooood. but the point is, i get it. right or wrong, i get it.

no worries that i am going to convert into an instant lush. i just think a wee bit more alkeehol might make the princess a more mellow gal. and that would be gooooood.

My Ideal Junk Drawer (That Martha Woman Is Brilliant!)

now, if i can just get the adorable one to build it. hmmm . . . this may take extra wheedling, whining, and womanly wiles. and yay, i'm not beneath using womanly wiles.

I Wish It Was A Sign

the adorable one and i are going to visit my sister, nephew, brother-in-law, and the baby the first weekend of april, as it will be about three weeks, if all goes well, after the birth of the newest member of our family. we've been planning this for awhile, as the adorable one gets good friday off thanks to the owners of the company he works for and i'm taking a day of vacation. as it stands now, we're driving up on thursday, april 5th after work and driving back early on sunday, april 8th.

our problem is that we mentioned it to my parents, who decided to horn in on our weekend, the only one we're gonna get that i know of, to spend time with my sister's family. my folks already made reservations at the same hotel we're staying at and will ride up with us. so, i warned them that we only stop once for gas (they pee at the drop of a hat) and that we would be leaving early on sunday.

the thing is, i really wish they weren't coming along. as they are retired, they can go visit any time. whereas, our time off is limited and will only get those two days. and i just don't think it's fair. or right. and i know they won't offer to pay for gas. which i don't think is right. or fair.

but i can't say a thing. instead i just have to hold my tongue and pretend it's alright, when it's not. i doubt it's a sign of maturity. it's just easier to not get into a discussion about the issue. because somewhere, down deep, i know it would hurt my mom's feelings and that she wouldn't understand my reasoning. because she can't see that we would never horn in if they went to visit a relative. we just wouldn't.

so, if i come back from the trip with a thoroughly bitten up lip, well, you'll know why.

Strangely & Positively Perfect For When Your Heart Hurts From The Stupidity Of Work

As Addictive As Cookies

i think the dairy farmers can sleep easier at night as the adorable one and i have turned into cheese and cracker addicts. okay, maybe addicts is a bit harsh, but we sure have upped our consumption ever since our grubstore started offering some super yummy generic brands at really reasonable prices.

just think--we're doing our part to help the economy! i feel better better already! enough to grab the creamy cheddar out of the fridge!

And To Think It's Already Melting

must be all that damn global warming. then again, if the snow was vaporizing, well, i might believe the weather idiots (and al gore) that armageddon is right around the corner. boo! hiss!

Best Feeling: Part II

you know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night to pee, because you're a peefest, and you check the clock and it reads 3:00 a.m.? and you get bummed because you have like two hours left to sleep? and then your brain actually kicks in and you realize it's saturday?

yup, i love that feeling.

Yuckers

i can get where people in california are peeved about the cold weather because it is unseasonably cold. and because the citrus crop is damaged due to freezing temperatures. however, living in the midwest, it's positively silly to complain about the cold weather in winter, because as they say at work, it is what it is.

despite understanding that it can't be 64 degrees today, like it was last year at this time according to our local weather boob, i'm none-to-thrilled about the crap headed our way.

and i also guess it would be silly to state that i dream of the day that cold weather means a low of 50 degrees. because that day seems far, far away. especially with the above yuckfest almost on our doorstep.

Extremely Good On CD

Not So Smarty Are Ya

suzy q came over to my workspace today needing a certain type of insurance letter that we keep on file to include with project documentation. i had requested a 2007 letter from the person responsible and she sent it via interoffice mail, so i was expecting it this morning. but that wasn't fast enough for suzy. what she wanted was to take the letter off my hands as soon as it arrived in my inbox and get it scanned as a pdf.

now, i get it. this sounds like a nothing deal. except that ole suzy wanted her way. and i wasn't having any of it. not an ounce. not an nth. so she kept saying, "why don't you give me the letter and i'll get it scanned for you. since you're so busy." and i repeatedly said, "no, i will handle it."

to the point where i finally said, "listen, i'm taking care of this so if you have a problem, take it up with our supervisor." and that shut her up and shut her down. thankfully. personally, anyone who doesn't understand the word "no" isn't a genius in my book. not a shiny star. not the second coming of christ because they went to notre dame.

and for the record, yes, i had a heckuva time putting my foot down. just a darn shame it wasn't to her backside kicking her out the door.

You Know That Feeling?

the one where you've brushed your teeth, rinsed with mouthwash, run a comb through your hair, and peed for the last time before crawling into your super-comfortable bed, snuggling under the covers? yay, i need that bottle that sensation and hook it up to an iv that goes with me to the office. then again, after today's chaos (more on that tomorrow), i'm not sure it would have made a difference.

and along those same lines, maybe finishing off the brownies last night, thereby creating a chocolate deficit in our house, was not the best decision.

Now I Remember

why we love "american idol." simon says all the things we wish we could say to people, especially at work. yay, especially that.

I've Gotten Lucky

because i don't know when it started, but there are times where i barely, and i do mean barely make it to the toilet before i start peeing. now, i get that this probably sounds gross and that i should probably investigate learning some kegel exercises, but i have to say that i can't figure out where these overwhelming urges to pee come from.

for example, i always pee before i leave the office because i never know if i'm gonna get stuck in traffic. but i'll get home, peel off my coat, feed the girls, and then it's a mad dash to the loo as i think the pee is gonna start streaming. okay, so is that weird or what? and some times when i'm at work, it's a near miracle i make it into a stall. as it is, i've got my legs crossed to stave off an accident.

if i had to guess, it probably has to do with being a type 2. but with my luck, whatever muscles are responsible for keeping the pee in are weakening. not good, huh?

You Know You're A Peon

when it's a deluge of sleet and you're saddled with trudging a few hundred yards between two buildings to pick up a print job for a lazy project manager. and coincidentally, no, you don't feel good about yourself after this little exercise.

The Surefire Cure For Whatever Ails You

Much To Tell

there's a lot going on at work and i'm not referring to the actual work. while i wish that was the case and i'm sure it will be soon, the stuff i'm referring to is more on a personal level. i've read enough blogs to know to be careful and cautious when writing about work. so i hope i've done a good job in concealing the type of information that would tie me to the blog. in fact, i never, ever mention to anyone at work that i have a blog as i know the danger in that. the only folks that know about my blog are the adorable one, my sister, my folks, my best friend twin, and the good readers who find this site interesting.

but i need an outlet, if nothing else, for myself, to put the unfolding events into words. i need some kind of record, so that i can go back in a few months, a year, whenever, to determine if my gut served me well. concern numero uno is our new person. when we first heard about her, at our team-building lunch last month, a bunch of red flags went up. mostly because my supervisor was announcing her like she was the second coming of christ. no joke. which had i been in my work twin's place, i would have been steaming mad, because my work twin was selected over suzy q (my nickname for the new girl) and here's my supervisor literally gushing about suzy's greatness.

we've been told that suzy is bright because she attended notre dame. and led teams at target. and is only 24. that's been drilled into our brains repeatedly. and there's no doubt she's a freakin' eager beaver. and asks a gazillion questions a day. making my and my work twin's brains hurt. but dollars for donuts, she's got nothing on us. for starters, she has no actual experience with the main requirement of the type of job she's been hired to do. i think, because she was second choice (behind my fab work twin), my supervisor didn't want to throw out the nets again to interview for a new person when the cabbage patch head was promoted out of our group, leaving us one short (note: i was not complaining at that point.).

the problem with suzy q is that she's actively trying to take over my work twin's job, despite not having any idea of how to really do it. and she's trying to horn in on some of my work, which includes a pet project that i have been working on for 1 1/2 years. so why suzy q thinks she can waltz in and take over is beyond me. because i'll tell her, to her face, to nicely and politely to back off. i'm not really shy that way.

so, that's going on with that situation. and while it's allowing me and my work twin to bond, i know there are land mines in aligning, even unobtrusively against another coworker. which is why we don't ever name suzy q. or talk out loud. at most we whisper. or share a grimace. but publicly we are nice, helpful, and behave decently to the interloper. we just don't like her. at all.

sort of coinciding with this internal unrest is another coworker, who i like immensely, but has been the proverbial square peg in the round hole. and while i thought he would remain in our group another six months or even until the end of the year, he told me, privately and secretly, that he has already been selected for a new position in another department. of course, i'm very happy for him. he's been wanting this for a while, and it's a good move for him.

with him leaving, in maybe three weeks or longer, depending on when they transition him to his new position, his old position will be open. the thing is, his position would be a promotion for me. it would be the next step in my career track. i just don't know if they are going to post his job or give his product line to another in our group, as the other people that have the same position all have two (and my supervisor has three, previously four) product lines that they are responsible for.

i probably won't know until the announcement is made if they are going to post the square peg's position. if yes, i will throw my hat in the ring and pursue it with the nature of a bloodhound hot on the trail of prey. and even though i have some doubts about grasping the technical knowledge of the product line, i'm confident that i can learn it and in time, talk about it knowledgeably. but i'm gonna be assertive about the pursuit of this position and not let my fears deter me. and hypothetically, if someone else is selected for the job, then they were the better candidate, and again, i'll wait my turn.

because the thing is, if i go for the position, i'm none too sure that my supervisor, who is tasked with making us promotable (his words to me and the cabbage patch head), will support me if i go for it. the problem being is that my supervisor had my job for six years until he was promoted. and as he's assigned me to the product line previously supported by cabbage patch, his true preference is for me to learn that product line. for like another three years. even though i can't wait to be rid of them. which is another story for another day. probably tomorrow.

i don't want to babysit these people. not for three months. or six months. a year. two years. whatever. i want to, as quickly as possible, be able to shed them like my work clothes at the end of the day. because they are demanding. and difficult. and a lot of work. which of course, my supervisor likes. he thinks this type of challenge will make me a better employee. person. whatever. i want to be free of them. frankly and truly and sincerely.

so it's troubling that i don't trust that my supervisor will support me in my pursuit, if the position is posted. and it's bothersome that he doesn't think i'm ready and that i should be relegated to another three years of indentured servitude. because that's what it feels like.

i do wish i had more time to prepare for my coworker's transition. i was hoping i had half a year, but that's no longer an option. so either i'll go for it with the force of a type 5 hurricane or have to wait until another position is posted.

regardless, it's going to be an interesting couple of months.

Scary Tear

the adorable one and i have been on one heckuva cleaning, organizing, and tossing out tear. it started yesterday when we got home from breakfast. for whatever reason, we decided to clean out the closet in our living room, which previously served as a surrogate for the space underneath the bed. besides the usual number of jackets (winter, windbreakers, etc.), it had a plethora of games, wedding paraphernalia from almost three years ago, knick-knacks (candles, wrapping paper, gift bags, etc.), our picnic basket, etc.--just stuff that we had accumulated in the time since we moved in.

the adorable one, being the workhorse of the family, pulled everything out, while i sorted through everything--determining what we would keep, what would get tossed, etc. and all the things that we're keeping, were neatly replaced in an organized manner. to the point that we didn't recognize our previously overly-cluttered closet.

perhaps this first wave of energy and attention to neatness infiltrated our sleeping hours as after breakfast this morning, we started in on the kitchen cabinets above the counter. when that task was done, we tackled the adorable one's closet. then it was the microwave cart's turn, as we had a bevy of stacked recipes to sift through.

now, this probably doesn't sound like anything major. except if you knew us, you would find it quite surprising. now, we're not horribly dirty, messy, or slobby people. we've done a great job reducing our clutter and have made strides to keep the house more picked up. but on the whole, we hate cleaning. a lot. although we do it quite well, it's not on our list of fun stuff to do.

making it tougher is that most days we come home pretty whipped. and not from manual labor or trekking far distances or anything physically related. no, when we come home, we're mentally zonked. we have good stable jobs with good stable companies. and while we're both very good at what we do, it's not our life passion. if we could pursue what we want to do, the adorable one would be a psychologist with his own practice. and i would be in the marketing department of a movie studio. us living in california, coming home around 7:00 p.m., having dinner with a good, red bottle of wine. talking about our day. being able to see the ocean from our house. to me, that would be bliss.

the reality is that we live in the midwest, doing jobs that pay decently enough and for the most part keep us busy during the day. the problem is that we are not fulfilled in the way that we have witnessed in others. we know a couple of chefs that absolutely, without question, love their jobs. it's not really even a job to them.

and i think we both have to put up with people that make our jobs tougher. everyone does, otherwise it wouldn't be work. show me one person that loves everyone they work with and i'll recant. in addition, we have to perform a lot of work that, well, if it was up to us, we would delegate to others as we don't particularly enjoy it. again, this is part of work.

which is why, when we get home, the only thing we are thinking about is taking it easy, relaxing, and praying that dinner is somehow magically appear. it's not that we don't like to cook--we just wish we had a food replicator like they do on "star trek." since that is not reality, we take turns cooking or cook together.

but the cleaning, scrubbing, dusting, organizing--well, we usually have to be inspired. and motivated. and full of energy. which hasn't been the case in the past. in the past we let things pile up. not dirty dishes, mind you. or bills. or inches of dust. no, we put off things like cleaning out cabinets, closets, etc.

which is why this attack on the places that have previously been undisturbed is so unlike us. quite very scary indeed.

It's Time For You To Go

for whatever strange reason, the adorable one and i are in the process of cleaning out closets, drawers, cabinets, etc. it's almost like a pre-spring cleaning. yup, we're nutty that way, as we don't do this type of organization activities the rest of the year. yes, yes, we are majorly lazy. we're all over that. no worries.

as part of the sayonara activities, i'm bidding adieu to my old skivvies. the ones i wore when i was at my heaviest. the ones with the elastic is showing in certain places, that aren't positively shall we say stainless, etc. yay, it may be gross, but at least i already tossed the ones with a runs or holes. progress right?

I Won't Miss Them

them being the 28 pounds that i've shed since the beginning of october. not one itty, bitty bit. as for the other 50? if i thought i was motivated to take off the weight before, it's nothing compared to how i feel now.

Winter In Crazy Cowtown

yesterday's high temperature: 61 degrees
today's high temperature: 24 degrees
current weather: 15 degrees with bands of sleet

and we live here because?

yay, so what if the new apple iphone costs like $499? i don't think there's any question that i'm gonna want this super cool new techno toy. then again, i still don't have my motorola q. dammit, i'm losing ground in the cool phone wars. frac!

It's True

ever since i started losing weight, i noticed that i brush my hair more. and i'm brushing my teeth longer. and using whitening rinse. and polishing my shoes. pretty amazing how little changes make a big difference.

just hope that when i go to my doctor's appointment, rescheduled from the end of november, i'll get some good news regarding the amount of weight i've actually lost, if my blood sugar levels have improved, and more importantly, if my doctor, who i like a lot, is pleased with my progress. i actually haven't seen her since i was diagnosed as a type 2 diabetic.

so stay tuned and pass me some lip gloss, alrighty?

The Best Feeling

when we originally hired someone that would do the same job as me in november, i was nervous. would i like the new person? would they fit into our group? would she and i get along or would i be threatened? as it turned out, the gal (i'll call her my work twin) and i have tons in common and get along like two peas in a pod. it helps that she is also in her 30s, but younger, and feels the exact same way about her husband that i do about the adorable one, so we're always comparing funny stories about our spouses.

plus, even though she's a bit quieter and laid back, she and i are very compatible regarding our personalities. what's nice about my work twin is that she's super smart, picks up things very quickly, and has the same kind of humor that i do.

i think we both have been kinda stressed out, already, by the new girl as she's so gung-ho, overzealous, and wound up, that it grates on our nerves. i found this out at lunch today, when it was just the two of us at a table in the cafeteria, as my normal standing lunch date, was working through lunch (such the super trooper!). the neatest and best part was finding someone i can really confide in and trust. someone who gets me and will be a friend, when those are hard to come by. especially at work.

and while i'm friendly and on good terms with everyone in my group, having that one person that you can hang with at company functions or meetings or sit with at team lunches, well, being kind of shy and introverted, it's like having a security blanket. and as weird as it sounds, it makes work better. because you have that buddy, that person who you can bitch to. who you can share a funny story with.

now, i have an ally. a wonder twin. a best friend. it almost makes me look forward to work. almost.

Sliding Doors

there was a great gwenyth paltrow movie in 1998 called "sliding doors," about a london woman whose love life and career, unknown to her, hinge on whether she catches as a train. the movie shows both realities--what happens if she catches the train and what happens when she doesn't, in parallel. i could go on further explaining the other details, but it's a great movie and if you can get it from your library (it's free!), you should.

i have been thinking about the movie quite a bit, more for its implications than anything else. for example, a lot of times we'll see two cars almost hit each each other, narrowly missing an accident. in those moments, i think that a few seconds made the difference--that's how precarious life can be. or, i often think how lucky it is that i ended up working at shitty, krappy, and worthless; otherwise, i never would have met the adorable one. and truthfully, i never want to imagine that scenario--but it could have been a reality. so, a lucky twist of fate changed my destiny and my life. interesting, but weird, yes?

and every time i watch the adorable one practice with his flag football team, i think what if? what if the adorable one had continued playing football in high school versus deciding that the alcoholic coach and the other jerkwads on his team weren't worth it? what might have happened if he was offered a scholarship by one of the smaller schools already scouting him? or, what if he had moved to seattle to take a job with boeing instead of settling in cowtown?

these are things, as irrevelant to my life, that i do think about. does that make me a nutcake? i sure hope not, but i do give these possible life paths consideration. it's been particularly top of mind as i watch the adorable one, with his golden throwing arm (not just saying this--he has a gift, he really does), play with great gusto. i can't help but think that had he been the quarterback of his small high school football team, that his life would have gone in a completely different direction, one whose path probably would have never crossed mine. had the idiots at his school realized what they had, well, even their football record could have been different.

i don't say these things as a biased wife. i say these things from watching him execute, play after play, throw after throw, at age 39, with consistency and accuracy of someone who has a gift. so, even though his life path is what it is, i can't help but wonder what would have happened. what could have happened if he played college ball? what if, by some chance, an nfl scout saw him play? what if he got to pursue what a lot of little boys dream of growing up to do?

if you're thinking, "why do you even waste your time on this stuff?", i don't have an answer for you. maybe i am just a contemplative person. i've always been one of those "what if?" thinkers. i can't help it--it just seems like that's how my brain is hardwired. and yes, i just used a techie term.

i love the adorable one. and that's probably pretty evident in this blog as i usually find a way to talk about how i feel about him, his latest and greatest accomplishment, and what a blessing he is in my life. i hope that for the folks that read this, understand that the reason i go on and on and on and on about him, is that i never thought, truly, in a million years, that i would end up with him. that i would wake up every day to him. that i would get to spend the rest of my life with him.

so whatever force of fate that intervened, whatever choices we both made, it brought us to this point. our life together. for which, i would not trade for anything in the world. i'm just damn grateful, in some essence, for sliding doors.

Does It Get Any Better?

once again, our hometown losers muck it up. and i for one, am extremely happy. go chefs, go!

Like A Bad Penny

the cabbage paint head (cph), as so aptly titled by the adorable one, continues to turn up in the most annoying manner. as i reported previously, the cph was promoted out of our group to another division--unfortunately, she's still in our building and for whatever reason, hanging around like a virus that won't kick the bucket. i was hoping her new job would keep her so busy that we would never see her, but that's not the case yet, much to my chagrin. and i gotta tell you, she's chafing my hide. and oh yay, i just wrote that.

here's the deal. she was ingrained with her product line for the last three years and has established relationships with a lot of the people. i get that, i do. but she's been promoted for god's sake. can't she just move on? really, is it that hard? is it too much to ask for her to focus on her own area versus trying to continually horn in on my work and my ability to build relationships with her contacts? jeez, it's not like i'm trying to steal these people or work away from her, as she walked away from it. like over a month ago, thank you.

i continue, for what it's worth, to hold my chin up, to be professional, civil, polite, and almost at times friendly. although, let's face it, i'm being totally fake, because i hate her, loathe her, despise her, and wish she would just freaking fall off the planet. if this makes me a horrible person, so be it as one gets very tired of taking the high road.

i haven't figured out how best to exorcise the crazy psycho nutjob, but i'm convinced more than ever that given enough rope, the whore bitch (yes, i'm getting quite nasty now), will hang herself, as my supervisor has already had to warn her multiple times to back off and mind her own business. the beautiful thing is that as she continues to behave like a complete unprofessional, it's her own undoing, with no help from me.

do i dare to dream that she continues her wayward ways and my supervisor busts her chops big time? oh, i dare. i dare big time.

Pizza With A Side Of Killer Bargains

the adorable one and i had dinner with our friend matt, who we haven't seen in over a year. while we noshed on the best salad bar in town and st. louis-style pizza (okay, not the one featured above, minor detail people!), we caught up on all the latest good karma in his life.

i mean, who else finds a 32-inch hdtv flat-screen tv on the side of the road, takes it into a repair shop and gets it fixed plus the exact remote that goes with the tv for $271? unfreaking believable man.plus he just scored a down comforter (king size) for $30 from overstock.com. and is about to get a gorgeous real cherry wood armoire for $100 from craigslist.com. and get this? he scored a 40 gb mp3 player for $30 from a store going out of business.

maybe he's secretly a girl in disguise, 'cause he's a damn good shopper.the dead giveaway, of course, is the guy isn't racing down the aisle to get married. any girl worth her salt these days just can't get married fast enough. but that's another post for another day. anyway, it was rockin' cool to catch up with our man matt and to scarf some bitchin' pizza. and now, we return you to your regularly scheduled 80s lingo.

I'm Heard That

it must be another sign of old age as i swear i'm hearing things. while getting ready this morning, i heard a plane fly over and it sounded just like the pulsar cannon from the battlestar galactica episode "gun on planet zero" where starbuck and apollo had to led a group of convicts up this mount everest like mountain fortress and destroy the weapon before it blows up the fleet. heavy. anyway, if you've seen the episode, you know the sound the cannon makes and that's the noise i heard. like i said, it could be i'm going bats early. real early.

then as i entered the elevator this morning, i heard this other door squeak and i swear it sounded like the weird chirp the velociraptor from the movie "jurassic park." thankfully, i only heard it once and then all the bizarro noises ceased.

which leads me to believe that either weird noises tend to be prevalent in the mornings or, more likely, i'm the only one who would relate the two sounds together (i'm leaning toward this explanation). i'm just wondering if now would be a good time to confess that i also talk to myself.

It's Funny What You Don't Miss

i'll be the first to admit that i checked out the vending machine, every day, to see what treats lie in store. i was especially enamored with the dolly madison chocolate donuts and hostess apple pies. naturally, these were sugarfests, so it when i was first diagnosed as a type 2, i grieved for what i thought would be a lifelong craving for these types of sweets.

so the other day when i passed the vending machines and saw the chocolate-covered donuts, the kind i would have bought and scarfed at my desk six months ago, and didn't even give them a second thought, i got it. it's finally sunk in that i don't necessarily miss the stuff i used to eat all the time. but more importantly, i don't miss the bad food choices i made on a regular basis. and i sure as hell don't miss having my clothes be super tight. yay, i don't miss that at all.

so while this might sound like i'm some kind of food goody-goody, that ain't the truth. because i enjoyed half a nestle crunch bar when i got home. but i don't do it every day so it's not gonna kill me or mess up my numbers. i've finally gotten to a point where i know how much i should eat and more importantly what i should eat. as trite as it sounds, yes, it's all about moderation.

if you're thinking that the adorable one told me that everything would work out, that we would manage, and it wouldn't be the end of the world for me, you would be right.

Oh Yes, We're Counting The Days Until Season 7 Starts

Reality Is Never As Bad As You Imagine

when my alarm went off at 5:30 a.m. i seriously considered calling my supervisor and telling him i had made a mistake about wanting to come back to work a day earlier than planned. i thought, "i'm just not ready. i'm not ready to get back into the grind. what if i'm bored? i don't want to meet the new girl." but the barely rational side of me pointed out that if i didn't go back today, i would still have to go back tomorrow. in essence, there would be no escape for me this time (i put that in as it's one of the adorable one's favorite quotes).

strangely, even though i had nothing scheduled or planned, i stayed relatively busy and the day flew by. not sure that will be the case tomorrow, but was glad it was easier to get back into work mode. i thought for sure i would spend time daydreaming or whiling away the day by reading blogs. and i can be as lazy as the next person, but when i'm at work, i actually like to be busy and work. it's nuts, i know.

and yes, i met the new girl. naturally she's stick thin and has blond hair, but doesn't appear so far to be some kind of major fashion maven/style star or snotball. because yes, that would bother me. then again, i spoke to her for like two minutes as i was exiting the elevator and my supervisor and her were going to lunch. it still kinda kills me that she's new and she's the one with an office, but once the new cubes are built, it will be years before she scores one for real. not being mean or snobby or cruel--that's just the reality of the situation.

i think the reason i'm not a fan right off the bat is because my supervisor has spent like two to three weeks talking her up--i get that she's 24, graduated from notre dame, led teams at target, is involved in a million organizations, is real outgoing, is a go-getter, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. it's like, "enough already dude. it's obvious that you think she's the hot shit." the reality is, she has limited experience coming into a position that will require and demand her to be up to speed as quickly as possible. and even my supervisor had to admit today that the girl is green. so, we'll see.

in the meantime, i'm gonna be professional, friendly, and on guard. because in reality, would you expect me to behave any differently? i didn't think so either.

The Perfect Movie To Watch If You Are Depressed That Your Vacation Is Over

I Do & I Don't

i was scheduled to be on vacation until wednesday, january 3rd, but after being off since a week ago friday, i am pretty bored of staying at home. plus the adorable one goes back to work tomorrow, so hanging out by myself, while nice, results in me sleeping and watching tv. essentially i waste the day away.

so, by going back a day earlier than planned, i'll have a day of vacation to use later in the year--and since we essentially take two vacations a year (one at the end of may, the other at the end of december), it will almost be like having an extra day of vacation to enjoy.

my problem is, while i don't want to stay at home, i don't really want to go back to work. mostly because of two reasons. one, the real load of supporting the product line, previously handled by the cabbage patch head, is going to be my responsibility.

making it trickier is that my supervisor used to be the main marketing liaison, which would have been a huge support to me. unfortunately, our department director (my previous supervisor) posted a position that i should have interviewed for and didn't, and another coworker (who i do like), was selected to take over. the problem being is that my coworker has no experience with being a marketing liaison, so it's almost like i know more about how to do the job than she does. and because she doesn't know as much as i do, as i've been practically in an understudy position, i think she's going to be leaning over my shoulder a lot. which has to be expected, but i'm not a fan of having to teach someone to do their job.

the worst and second reason is that my supervisor, who i like and trust, has hired a new person to do the same work that i do. we had hired another person about a month ago and she's wonderful. she has previous applicable experience and has picked up our processes very quickly. in addition, we have a lot in common and she fits in great with our group.

the woman that they have hired, who starts tomorrow, was the runner up for the first hiring. from what we've been told, she's 24, graduated from notre dame, and led project teams at target. apparently, she wanted to go the executive track there, but for whatever reason, she decided to go a different direction. and we've also been informed by our supervisor that she's involved in a million organizations, is super outgoing, and tends to be a real "go-getter." her weakness is that she has no real experience with the type of work that the position requires, so she's even more of a newbie. making matters much worse, in my opinion, is that due to space constrictions in our area, she is going to be temporarily (probably two months at least) placed in an office, unless my supervisor moves out of his cube and i'm stuck next to her.

now, i know it's wrong to pre-judge people. i totally get that. but i have a very bad feeling about this woman. for starters, she's graduated from a top university, she's young, and she's already managed teams. the problem is, she's coming in at the very bottom of the totem pole. as i'm the most senior person in our position, i'm not the queen bee, but i am the most experienced and seasoned. and i get how the company and culture works, which takes time and experience. it's not something you just walk into knowing. and as i've told a trusted coworker, you could be the president of the united states and it wouldn't mean dick starting at our company, because everyone starts at ground zero. you have to prove yourself and it's not an overnight thing.

and our group is very special because our department director hand picked the original team members (one of them being my supervisor) and they are all extremely bright, talented, and considered the "go to" people by the president of the company, our division, and other senior management personnel. i'm not bragging when i say it's a big deal to be in our group because we get assigned special projects--stuff that the corporate marketing department should be doing, but because they are led by incompetent bozos, are not equipped to handle.

i got very lucky because i was the first person hired in after the group had been together, just the four of them, for over two years. so i was the new kid on the block for quite a while before additional staff (now totaling five) joined our team. what i find funny a lot of days is that i straddle the two groups--the old guard that runs our group and the new guard that came primarily from outside companies who have their own ideas about how to get projects accomplished. some days i feel like odd girl out as i want to belong to both groups.

anyway, with this new gal starting, my fears are that she's coming in thinking that one, she's gonna run the show and secondly, that the position she's in is just temporary. i'm going into year three of the position and still have so much to learn before being promoted, which may happen later this year, if i'm lucky. i'll talk more about that possibility in another post, but the point i'm trying to make is that no one joins our company and instantly races up the ladder. my supervisor, who started out in my position, wasn't promoted for six years. and then it took another two to become a manager. so, nothing happens fast regarding job advancement.

which is good because there is so much to learn about the industry, as well as how to best navigate the company to get the information you need and the culture to be successful in your endeavors. i'm finally on an upswing after a very bumpy start two years ago. seriously.

so, i while i know it's wrong to have serious concerns about a person i haven't met yet, i'm kinda sick to my stomach about this new gal joining our group. because the truth is that she's coming in as the new grunt, not the star player. something i'm almost sure she doesn't get.