A Trade Off

sundays have become harder for me, as i dread mondays more and more. part of it is the doubling workload, but probably to a larger part is suzy q, who regularly haunts my dreams, and the increasing realization that i'm a very peon in a vast ocean, with no shoreline in sight. if i sound directionless and bummed, well you have the general picture of downer me.

i'm also sleeping a lot more on the weekends as we have less and less planned, so i get bored. and with nothing to do or nothing to be motivated about, i just go to sleep. and yes, i get that this is a sign of depression. if i could simply shake myself out if it, believe me, i would. i'm not really sure how life can seem hopeless, but going to work every day feeling like a major drone is killing me from the inside out. i feel like i need and want more, and it's all out of reach.

so, some times i cheat. i know it will be hard to fall asleep on sunday nights because i've gotten at least ten hours of sleep the night before. last night was one of those trade offs. my right side was sore--not from doing any heavy work or labor, or even from laying around. i've got a very small kidney stone in my right kidney. i know this from the last time they did a cat scan when we thought i had a blockage and it turned out to be that my blood glucose level was so spiked that i was peeing all the time.

anyhoosa, long story short, my doctor understands there are times when, whether due to the stone shifting around or my bladder feeling intense pressure from a carb overload, that pain medication is a necessity. now, for those of you who haven't had a kidney stone, let me tell you--it is the most horrific pain you an imagine. only worse.

i had my first stone experience when i was 21 and by the time i had to pass a second one, i was well acquainted with the benefits of morphine. i think telling a doctor to just put you down like a horse will give you some idea of potentially bad it can be. fortunately, i've had limited stones since then--the last one was in 2004 when we got back from our honeymoon in mexico.

i knew i wouldn't be able to fall asleep with my right side feeling as sore as it did. so i cheated and took a couple of the pain pills, which i knew would make me drowsy. and it was a relief to surrender to sleep as abby settled on my shoulder, burrowing underneath the comforter for additional warmth.

and the trade off? my brain felt like glue all day. but i'll do it again, any time i think i need it, whether it's wrong or right.