Find Me A Cave
i may have written this before. in my old age of 37, i tend to forget everything my brain dribbles out. i don't know if it's just the weather, this time of year, the general sense of malaise and the blahs, or the fact that i have low-grade depression. it's actually a diagnosable condition, hence the daily intake of zoloft. which works pretty well, but i probably should go back to being on topamax, to take the crabbiness down a notch or two. or three if you talk to the adorable one.
so, here's the deal. when i lost my job (read: got fired) a couple years ago, i hit rock bottom, despite getting married and going on an awesome and relaxing honeymoon. because for those eight, long months where i didn't have a job, life sucked rocks. big time. our finances took a severe beating, as did our savings. and my self esteem. the thing is, we came out of it, better, stronger, and smarter.
but a lot of days, no make that every day, the only time i feel safe is when i'm at home. my usual routine when i do get out of work, especially at my normal time, i race home without breaking the landspeed record, doff my uncomfortable work clothes, pull on my pajamas as quickly as i can, and then curl up on the couch with a blanket or two and watch tv.
i mentioned this hermitlike behavior to two sets of friends i trust--my good pal amy and my dear friends gail and michael. gail, who suffered a similar job fate at another life-sucking corporate hellhole, totally understood where i was coming from. michael correctly diagnosed that i am depressed. and amy mentioned that she feels the exact same way.
the thing is, i used to be a social butterfly. i used to go to the gym for at least an hour every day after work. and although i hated going, i felt great afterward. i used to enjoy going out with gal pals for dinner and shopping. now, all i want to do is be home. where i feel safe and secure. i've asked the adorable one for his opinion, but he thinks is wrong with me, but i get no responses to my questions.
i wish i knew how and when it happened. when i became hermit girl. i miss the days where i didn't want to hide all the time. but those days seem long gone and very far away.
so, here's the deal. when i lost my job (read: got fired) a couple years ago, i hit rock bottom, despite getting married and going on an awesome and relaxing honeymoon. because for those eight, long months where i didn't have a job, life sucked rocks. big time. our finances took a severe beating, as did our savings. and my self esteem. the thing is, we came out of it, better, stronger, and smarter.
but a lot of days, no make that every day, the only time i feel safe is when i'm at home. my usual routine when i do get out of work, especially at my normal time, i race home without breaking the landspeed record, doff my uncomfortable work clothes, pull on my pajamas as quickly as i can, and then curl up on the couch with a blanket or two and watch tv.
i mentioned this hermitlike behavior to two sets of friends i trust--my good pal amy and my dear friends gail and michael. gail, who suffered a similar job fate at another life-sucking corporate hellhole, totally understood where i was coming from. michael correctly diagnosed that i am depressed. and amy mentioned that she feels the exact same way.
the thing is, i used to be a social butterfly. i used to go to the gym for at least an hour every day after work. and although i hated going, i felt great afterward. i used to enjoy going out with gal pals for dinner and shopping. now, all i want to do is be home. where i feel safe and secure. i've asked the adorable one for his opinion, but he thinks is wrong with me, but i get no responses to my questions.
i wish i knew how and when it happened. when i became hermit girl. i miss the days where i didn't want to hide all the time. but those days seem long gone and very far away.
posted by the princess at 2/20/2006
1 Comments:
Wow, we have similar lifestyles. I think once i start going to the gym, yeah, i hate it, but it starts a routine. It delays the pajamas-wearing-couch-sitting for an hour, anyway. :) Depression is a bitch to snap out of, but so is routine. I feel you so hard on this. I used to go out a lot more---part of the reason I don't is because I can't really drink much anymore (wicked hangovers) and that's really what "going out after work" usually means. Maybe I am just comfortable saying "no" to things that I used to feel obligated to go to. or maybe I need another stint on the effexor. :) It's a shame we can't be gym buddies... I have really blown off my routine this year. and it SHOWS.
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