I Am Dying (Sort Of)
i went to the doctor yesterday, which was an interesting and enlightening experience. as usual, i had to wait an hour to see my doctor, who i found about ten years ago. i expected to spend about ten minutes with her, but instead i got an hour. which is pretty amazing. most appointments, if you're lucky, last 15 minutes.
anyway, they took my blood pressure, which frankly has been high for like two years now, maybe longer. this time it was pretty out-of-control, so my doctor told me straight up--if i don't change my ways, if i don't start exercising and eat right, and getting out of this sedimentry lifestyle that i've grown to love, well, i'm not gonna make it to 40, and that's a little more than two years away. not good.
so, i did get lectured, but i also got a chance to tell dr. l what a mess i feel like on the inside. and that little things, like for example, cabbage patch head giving me a weird look upsets me for an entire morning, makes me feel like a total freak. i mean normal people don't have conversations with themselves like, "you just need to be george constanza and do the opposite of what you would normally do."
i finally was able to say, "i just haven't felt like me in a long, long time." so, she prescribed a new anti-depressent, a new migraine medication, and i have to see her in a couple of months for a check up. and in that time, i've got to make some positive strides or i'm going to be on medication the rest of my life. ugh.
more than getting scolded, more than having to be out of the office for like three hours, it helped to finally get some major issues off my chest. things i can't even tell the adorable one--how worthless i feel some times, that i hate how i look, really hate how i look but can't seem to muster the willpower to change my bad habits, how it hurts some times for me to have a graduate degree and still feel like a total peon at work. when i should feel like a superstar for the good work that i do.
so, it was tough to hear that i might have a stroke if i don't get my ass in gear, literally and figuratively. but it was what i needed to hear. maybe after two years of hiding, of being a hermit, of being in a funk, of having no hobbies to speak of, i can actually move forward. stay tuned.
anyway, they took my blood pressure, which frankly has been high for like two years now, maybe longer. this time it was pretty out-of-control, so my doctor told me straight up--if i don't change my ways, if i don't start exercising and eat right, and getting out of this sedimentry lifestyle that i've grown to love, well, i'm not gonna make it to 40, and that's a little more than two years away. not good.
so, i did get lectured, but i also got a chance to tell dr. l what a mess i feel like on the inside. and that little things, like for example, cabbage patch head giving me a weird look upsets me for an entire morning, makes me feel like a total freak. i mean normal people don't have conversations with themselves like, "you just need to be george constanza and do the opposite of what you would normally do."
i finally was able to say, "i just haven't felt like me in a long, long time." so, she prescribed a new anti-depressent, a new migraine medication, and i have to see her in a couple of months for a check up. and in that time, i've got to make some positive strides or i'm going to be on medication the rest of my life. ugh.
more than getting scolded, more than having to be out of the office for like three hours, it helped to finally get some major issues off my chest. things i can't even tell the adorable one--how worthless i feel some times, that i hate how i look, really hate how i look but can't seem to muster the willpower to change my bad habits, how it hurts some times for me to have a graduate degree and still feel like a total peon at work. when i should feel like a superstar for the good work that i do.
so, it was tough to hear that i might have a stroke if i don't get my ass in gear, literally and figuratively. but it was what i needed to hear. maybe after two years of hiding, of being a hermit, of being in a funk, of having no hobbies to speak of, i can actually move forward. stay tuned.
posted by the princess at 4/20/2006
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