Come To Mama

so when it was announced that the cabbage patch head (cph) was being promoted and leaving our group, i had mixed feelings. oh, i was certainly happy alright--the beeyoch has been a thorn in my side for the better part of a year and only in short spurts has the freak acted like a normal person. the problem with her leaving is that i was assigned to her product line, which is full of a lot of people that don't communicate with each other. now, i'm stuck with them.

through the transition process, which started a couple weeks ago, the adorable one repeatedly pointed out that this would be a good thing, and definitely a boost to my career with her out of the way, once and for all. because if had she stayed in our group, she and i would have duked in out for the next promotion you can be sure. as it stands now, there's no competition and when that position does open up, i'm going for it--balls to the wall.

i would also have to say on the blessings side, things are going to work out for our team-building event, which is tomorrow. instead of having a mediocre frou-frou lunch, my supervisor allowed me to make reservations at my favorite restaurant in the city. from there, we'll go on a guided tour of our premier art gallery. and there's no cabbage patch head in sight, laughing loud and long, trying to get attention, because she's lonely.

and i don't say that lightly. there were times, like just a month ago, that she brought a container of jiffy pop popcorn to our weekly staff meeting because someone supposedly gave it to her. now, why did she have to bring it to our meeting? so everyone would ask her about it. why did she show up one day at a division meeting wearing what looked like was an engagement ring, when she has proclaimed to anyone that will listen to her that she hasn't had a date in like three years? because she's lonely. she's single. and is crying out for anyone who will be sucked into her, "look at me! look at me!" gravitational pull. no thank you.

the thing is, because the cph is a friggin' vegetarian, the first thing that came out of her mouth when we talked about organizing our team-building event was that she didn't want to go to some fancy steak house, like the capital grille. which since she doesn't understand or appreciate the value of a fantastical dry-aged steak, it makes sense. but i secretly resented the hell out of her as that was the the restaurant i had my heart set on going to.

so thank you cph for doing us the following favors--thanks for not being there so we could have an outstanding meal. thanks for not making it so the museum security staff is doubled because you're the loudest person in the place ever. thanks for not ruining our time with stories about how many saturdays you worked until 2:00 a.m. at the office.

and if you really want to get me something for channukah, shut your gaping piehole and stay in your area. because as they say, silence is golden.